It’s going to be epic. Don’t miss out.

This site began as a joke, in June of 2000, with a poorly scanned in pixelated photo of my ass, a whole lot of boredom at work, a domain name I thought I’d never use, 1.5 liters of wine, and a few 1990′s nerd skillz… However,  it soon spread throughout the land and before I knew it my ass was appearing on peoples desktops at work, in bathroom stalls, and on the prison cell walls of a few lowly inmates.

Throughout the years this site was a place for me to express my inner idiot. There was no rhyme or reason to what was posted, no real BLOG (did they even exist?) yet I did what I did and got a few fans in the process.

Anyway, in Honor of TEN years of complete and utter nonsense, I have scrounged up a few snippets and screen shots from the previous years and posted them below…look how far we’ve come INNERNETS!

Thanks for reading me.

Thanks for laughing at me, rather than with me.

Thanks for still wanting to see my tits after all these years and thanks for returning to this site when I refuse.

Here’s to many more years of debauchery, nervous breakdowns breakdancing, and rudeness.

xox

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2000-2007:

The ass that started it all:

My very first attempt at writing a guestbook:

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Misc. Screen Shots

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If you ever need a cocktail to go with your porn, or an abortion, never live in Utah… trust me.

then I got hooked on Everquest… and nearly needed an intervention.

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…and then there were the comments

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…

back, by indirect popular demand:

…and then I shut down for a while and now here we are.

Stuffing my face with retardedly delicious food has officially fallen into last place; getting back into my size 25 jeans is now in the lead.

What can I say. I loves me some Christmas Cheer…and some Christmas cookies, potatoes, various roasted meats, deep fried appetizers topped with cheese… and all desserts in general, except for ones containing coconut. Oh, fuck, and I completely forgot about the  cocktails.

I go all out around the holidays. I bust out the Fat Pants  (the size 27′s with a hint of stretch), the tunics, and the scarves to hide my double chin. Ho Ho Ho! Unfortunatlly, getting back into the 25′s keeps getting harder and harder with each passing year. Thankfully, I am disciplined, and, in this economy, when your jeans are in the $300 price range, it is more cost efficient to adjust your habits (eating well, exercising enough, not drinking like a hobo) than to purchase an entire new wardrobe because you couldn’t kiss Xmas 2009 goodbye.

Living in the past is a bad, bad idea.

AnyDinnerRolls, I got a new camera for Xmas . It’s a Cannon something or other. I was desperate to get a new one after getting sand in the last one on our vaca last summer. I am not much of a photo taker, but since we are moving and will be farting around Europe for the rest of our lives, I felt it was pretty important and Santa came through. Yay for him!

Only a few days left of 2009!  We will be spending it with some friends South of SF. It may be the last time all of us are able to get together before we leave. It will be great, and sad, but mostly great. 12 weeks before we depart. There is no gift greater.

I am beginning a new writing project so I may not be here much in the next few weeks. If anyone is interested, email me and I will might send you the link. I am not posting it here for various random anonymous reasons.

Oh, hey, so it looks like Camarades put my page back up?!  They just cannot live without me. It’s true.

xo

C

Here are some photos from Xmas. The theme for the gents was “Mustache and an Ugly Shirt” (think 1970′s porn) and as you can see, they pulled it off grotesquely .

The passed out drunk is Dolly. He remained there the rest of the night and rumor has it that he pissed himself.

I am giving us a %3 percent chance at failure though, only so that if something DOES go wrong (passport doesn’t come in time, job gets delayed, customs issues…) I am not totally devastated because I was prepared for the 3%….or something.

3% aside, it looks like a sure thing. His boss called yesterday and pretty much offered him the transfer because the position in Munich he had been waiting for  just opened up… he said the position starts in January at the latest, so we have to get our butts in gear.

I am pretty stinkin’ excited. I don’t know what to expect other than it being very cold and eating lots of sausage.  I am SO looking forward to taking little weekend getaways to London…Paris, Italy… BELGIUM AND GREECE . That’s the best part of it for me. I seriously CANNOT wait to go to Sweden. I have been wanting to visit the Saab factory and buy a saab directly from the factory my entire life… this is a dream come true.

Oh my god, and then Christmas time! The lights and the fairs…  the snow. So long California! So long San Francisco!

Anyway, I know I have quite a few European readers and I need your help:

1. We are debating whether or not to sell our car or to ship it over. If anyone has any experience with that, please let me know. It’s like a year old, 2008 Volvo C30. Pretty much paid off… is it worth it or no.

2. Citizenship. My husband is getting sponsored by his company. Therefore, he is legal to work there but not a citizen. I believe I am unable to work there at all, even though he has been sponsored. Is it easy to get citizenship, or a permit to work, and how do I do it? I don’t plan on working right away but I was thinking of either teaching English…or becoming a prostitute in Amsterdam and I would like more information on the matter.

3. Does anyone speak German. I am at a loss here…

Ok, I have to go piss myself. Please help me and I know you will all fly to visit us at our housewarming party

Oh also, we are going to be subletting our apartment in SF, so if anyone is interested in renting it (mostly furnished) please let me know! We don’t plan on coming back (I’d like to settle in France, or Italy at some point), but we would like to have that option if something goes wrong. So it would be a month to month deal.

Love you all xo

Coll

They banned me again for no reason AGAIN. For fucking nothing. They act like they are paying me or something. I honestly believe that they do this from time to time so that I will contact them and pay them some attention. It must get lonely out there in SLOVAKIA. Totally passive aggressive. Fuckers should be thankful, I am the one driving traffic to their site. They should be showering me with stolen electronics, fuzzy dice to hang on my rear view and knock off handbags. No joke, if you googalize my cam, their traffic stats come up and who the hell do you think is either #1 or in the top ten (even though I am on like once every 3 months) as far as numbers are concerned….ME. Not the saggy titty wilted willy grandpa spankin’ it 24/7 in France. Not the guy who’s nipples I show not…

Camarades, you lose. I have officially moved to Ustream and I am bringing all of Europe’s perverts with me. Here they can watch me and chat with me and HEAR MY VOICE, live, streaming in real-time, for FREE. For some sick reason I felt loyal to you and although I had tinkered around with ustream, I came back to you. Unfortunately, for you not me, this relationship is over.

Listen up perverts, you know who you are (I don’t usually make things bold so you know this is important). You will notice a new link in the navigation bar up top. This link says WEBCAM. By clicking on this link you will be taken to a page, on this site, where my new webcam AND chat are embedded. I will be broadcasting on a schedule, so you will know when I am on, no more of this hitting the site 50 times a day to see if I am on crap. No more sadness.To view my schedule go to my new webcam page (the one I just mentioned), it will be hovering over the cam display when I am off air. Also, make sure you have speakers (:-0) because this stream has audio. This means I get to talk and you get to lissen me and best of all IT’S FREE and it’s great quality. So you can take all of that money you paid to Camarades for your “elite” fake streaming, no voice or chat, account and give it to me. If you need the email associated with my Paypal account, let me know.

Oh, and if you want to participate in the chat you will have to register. It is super easy and you will not be redirected from the page. You enter in a username, password, date of birth and a captcha then you are in. Nothing to it.

Fun! Haaay!

Ok, now that that’s out of the way….I must relocate my wine.

xoxo

CL

whoa!

Alright, I got the “you’ve got 10 days” to post , or lose a limb, so here I am.  To clear things up, no, I have not LEFT this site for a new one. I am have not fallen in love with a better looking site or one richer in content…nor am I two-timing this site. I just came up with a funny idea and decided to go with it… Understand?

Not much new is happening around here. Just a lot of work and a lot of beer. Mmmhmmm. I feel as though it is my duty, as the creator of twitdrunk.com, to “test” out the sites functionality while intoxicated. You know, to do as the drunk do or something. Anyway, all of this testing “on beer” has really taken a toll on my ass, my saddlebags and my left tit (?). Now, it could also be all the ribs, bacon, red meat, chips, cheese and chocolate I’ve been chowing down on, but I swear my pants were a lot looser when I stuck to vodka soda. Unfortunately, the dr. is being STINGY with the Valium and wont refill the Rx which means I have to suffer through a hangover if I get my drink all-the-way-on. Total fucker. I’m retarded. Oh well.

I made progress in cleanliness today, which I deserve half a star for. I actually peeled my face from the computer, my ass off the chair and experienced a shower and some exercise, er, in the reverse order…I know, I know. It sucked pretty bad,  but earlier this morning I caught a whiff of myself and I don’t think that it’s ever a good sign when your body smells like marinated meat. Not a gooder.

Obviously, I have not been shooting lately , ha – ha- ha. I will start up again in September. Sometimes it just feels good to let yourself go. I am so glad I’m not famous.

Alright, well, I have to go brush my dog and watch a made for TV movie on Lifetime.  I should be on cam Thursday night. Not sure if it will be camarades or ustream. Check back later for details.

xo

Cl

I am very excited for next week, tons of shoots AND, even more exciting.. the launch of my ONLINE STORE!! YES YES YES! I haven’t been shooting for the past two weeks,  due to my tooth dilemma, so I’ve been nerding it up and I built an online store for my site. I am still fiddling around with the layout and the overall design but it works like a dream and I am so frickin’ excited I could blink.

What will I be selling, you ask? … EButt Plugs!  No, actually, I have been doing shoots for trade, no signed release of the photos..meaning neither party can use them for commercial use, aka:profit. This poses a problem for me because I would like to get paid, in some money-like form, for being really ridiculously good looking (hey now Jonah said I was a 10 so STFU hahah) … so from now on I will only be shooting with signed releases stating that I can sell them and owe no royalties to the photographer…I will give the photogs credit and link to them, but they cannot collect a percentage of the sale. Any10not8, I am going to be selling photos in high res., desktop themes, videos, secret URL’s to “special webcam events”…. and the BEST thing about it is that I linked it through a paypal check out system, so you don’t have to register to purchase anything, AND EVERYTHING for sale will be downloadable. No shipping. Unless, of course, it is a calendar or an actual non-virtual object. It’s so bad ass… I know you will love, save up your allowance!

Typing of webcam… I will be popping on camarades at some point,URL, next week for the last time.Mostly because I am sick of the person who keeps ripping each image and even more mostly because I feel like I should make a little profit on my time and my mad entertainment skillz. Starting next week,  when I do go on cam… you will have to purchase the URL to the new site through my store. You only have to purchase it once and it won’t cost a ton. It’s like a special key to my webcam, and a forced token of your appreciation. The URL  will not change, unless I am doing a special event and I will be streaming from another location..in that case, you will have to purchase that URL to view that event. I won’t charge to stream, so once you are there, you can stay as long as you want. I will be scheduling shows about 2x a week and will be on for at least an hour. You will get your moneys worth, whores. Chat will still remain free through this site.

Important: All webcam proceeds will go toward the purchase of a NEW High Def WebCam/ Digital VIDEO CAMERA so that I can make even cooler videos and look even better live in high def baby. So it benefits you to contribute.

Lastly, somebody special turned SIX years old this week so don’t forget to wish our little buddy, and my co-host,  a happy stinky poopy-time birthday after your late afternoon whack.

Stay tuned for my next video “Give a Dog a Bath” which was voted for by you!! It’s gonna be great!

xoxo

CL

I just don’t care enough.

Either way, don’t bother going there anymore. I am removing all links to that site on here.

From now on you will have to go to ustream to see me. The best way to know if I am online, or not, is to follow me. This means you have to register for an account…which you wont do because you are lazy and therefore you suck.

wah – wah

I am displeased with the fact that there is a layer of coffee film muck at the bottom of my cup. Totally unacceptable.

anger…grrr

I am so happy I could blink!
WOOOP

Oh hey now, I forgot to mention that I have official representation now. Yipee. Hopefully this will mean work… I am allowed to be represented by 1 agency per county…and I haven’t even begun SF. I was GOING to go today, but for reasons such as:

- ate way too much Easter food bloat

- drank too much Easter wine bloat

- need to clean the house bloat

- waiting for a few more photos, from recent shoots to come back to take to open calls, bloat

- paralyzing anxiety, bloat

So… I am gonna go next week when I’ve got that nasty list above sorted.  Actually, the one agency, here in SF, who I want to sign me, holds the Monday open call and so it could make or break an entire week for me. I am preparing and padding the walls.

I am gonna do a 48 hour detox. It’s basically like the lemonade thing, except that I am going to drink coffee because I cannot live without it. It has come to my attention, that wine doesn’t really agree with me. In fact, whenever I drink it I feel positively ill the following day. I drank wine two days in a row and I feel like complete ass…which is what prompted me to want to clean up.

My house is a mess as well. I have a shoot here on Wednesday so I have to get it all cleaned and sparkly… not something I enjoy. Mostly because I hate this place so much.

Also, I am re-doing how I do photos on here. I may sell sets and they are going to be different than are what on  my new “portfolio site” (just bought the domain) which will be less satirical and (sigh) more professional.. sorry, but I can’t help but wonder if F.O.R.D clicked on the MY SITE link from the online portfolio site I sent them and read all the smack I talked. I mean, they don’t LIKE girls like me…the kind who smile sweetly, walk away quietly, come home and rip them a new one on a blog. People can google that shit.

If you want to know the URL to the new site,  private message me. You may be able to figure it out but please dont start guessing in the comments because you may get it right and I don’t want any trackbacks pointing here.

Things are going to start to change around here. First thing to go, forums.