Me: “I don’t really have a good explanation for that…actually”

..ok, it was a lie. I have a very scientific explanation for it. I was demonstrating to the people who get off watching my act like an idiot on the innernets that BOB was such a powerful word because no matter which way you turn it, it’s always..well, BOB (ok it seemed logical and genius at the time). Anyway, here it is…

Karate-chop BOB

this last one has nothing to do with BOB but I thought it was funny how long and stupid my arm looked.

ho ho ho.

tequila is NOT a good friend.

Oh, and I’d like to personally thank Canada for the lovely email. I know I’ve been neglecting my masterbatory duties to you lately but I’ve been so busy drinking  myself into a pretzel that I just cant be bothered. The problem is that I’ve advanced beyond “‘light beer”, so by the time I get a good buzz going, half the bottle of vodka is gone and I’m stuck seeing in chinese which is not my native language. But don’t worry though, cause on top of drinking less, I’ve nearly blown through all the cash that I “sock away” in my fancy dildo carrying case, so I’ll be back soon. You betcha!

In the meantime, I present to you:

My most fabulous new pair of shoes, that I purchased today…courtesty of a blow job:

They are SO not gonna get me laid and I SO do not care.

Why do I do this? Was the champagne after the vodka after the beer REALLY necessary?

Days like this were made for one thing: Taco Bell.

Happy first day of 2010. Perhaps tomorrow I will be able to fart in a straight line again.

That pretty much sums it up.

Wed. night was insane. Mz. AgentDragonFly flew in from Houston and I hosted a dinner party for EIGHT tards. Everything went swimmingly and we all got very drunk. So drunk that the missing yorkshire pudding went unnoticed. yay for me.

Thursday night my BFF, husband, and I, met up with “Al-catraz” at Celias for happy hour and had a few thousand drinks. Afterward, we headed on over to the bowling alley to show off our mad skillz. We ate corn dogs and didn’t get thrown out for tossing TWO balls down the lane at the same time on more than one occasion ( you REALLY can’t take us ANYWHERE) . Oh, and we also got FREE bowling socks- SCORE. After we were no longer coherent enough to bowl in a straight-ish line, we stumbled on over to the bar where they had KARAOKE going in full force. Oh yes, we did…and how.

Friday, was spent recovering. We took BFF to the airport and cleaned up. The un-fun part.

Saturday, I woke up feeling like I was going to die which was really unfortunate because a gf of mine was coming into the city for the night and we had made plans… I was unable to get it together. Sorry lady.

Sunday was Dolly’s 83rd birthday, we met up with some of his super fresh friends from the “other-cool-coast” ,wir gehen ein Bier trinken, and tore it up at a dive in the neighborhood. I don’t quite remember how the night ended but it’s cool, we laughed a LOT.

.. then yesterday happened. While I was walking Daisy, she got stung by bee. Actually, she STEPPED on a bee and it stung her. I had NO idea what the hell happened to her, I thought she stepped on glass, or somehow twisted her ankle. It was on the same side as where she had surgery last year after being hit by a truck (this dog has survived EVERYTHING). I was totally freaked so I took her to the vet to get it checked out and after sedating her so that she would let them come near her foot without squirming and whimpering,  they discovered, and removed, a big fat bee stinger from her paw . My poor little lump of fur.

Daisy on dope:

Things have been busy, lots to do… will check in again later. Perhaps some cam action later this week.

So Germany is still on, husband talked to HR yesterday and it looks like we will be moving, for sure, mid March or early April.  All is a prima…ich hab’s ziemlich gut

Happy hour mishap:

On Thursday night husband and I hit our usual 4-7 happy hour. It is great. They give you free appetizers, like a huge plate of all sorts of artery clogging delicacies to keep you full so that you can consume more booze, which is how restaurants make money. duh.

So after a few pitchers, and a shot or two or three, we decided “it was on” so we headed to our second favorite happy hour, er, day: $2.00 Tecate -or- $5.00 for a shot of Tequila + 1 Tecate, every Thursday. Yes, the ENTIRE DAY. You just cannot go wrong here people. I used to live across the street, so I know. Anyway, we were ordering the $5.00 special on repeat, babbling to anyone within ears range who would listen and purposely selecting obnoxious music on the Jukebox… at some point, I got up to go play a song and I left my Blackberry sitting on the bar unsupervised. BAD IDEA. I walked back to my seat at the bar and found it drenched, in what I assumed was “water” (clear case of DENIAL). I immediately pulled out the battery and held my breath and took a shot of Tequila.

Without thinking, because I was having a terrible time focusing at this point, I did the dumbest move ever….I put the battery BACK in and started it up. (GASP). Well the display came on for like 30 seconds and “vjeeewwwmm“, goes blank.

This is where the being poor bit comes into play because if I were just able to toss away $300 bucks to purchase another four year old phone (thanks for keeping up with the times Verizon – you SUCK!), this wouldn’t be such a critical situation. But I am not in that position today, therefore things were really not looking good for me in the communications department.

I tried to reboot it again in the AM because my alarm went off, which I thought was a good sign. Unfortunately, it was the only thing that my phone could do anymore, (and it went off an hour fucking early).

What.To.Do.Now. Well, again, a person with the ability to run out and buy another one would just pull out the media storage device and go pick up a replacement without even thinking about it. Me, on the other hand, sat up, nearly gagged from the horsey Tequila taste in my mouth, and said to myself: “I am gonna fix this fucker, game on”…and so the mission began.

Later that morning I met up with my best friend Google and started reading through post after post on various forums about what a girl should do in my situation… so I got a good idea of what I needed to do first, which was remove the fucking battery and don’t even think about putting it back in for like a week. Hi.

Next, I got out my old blackberry…well, same model, different provider, and took it apart so that I could use out spare parts out of it if I needed to. Which I did. Yeah, I don’t know if you remember a while back when I was bitching and moaning about how I got sand into the ear piece of my phone? Well, whenever I got a call, it sounded like “muh mwa muh mwa” – similar to the adult characters in a Peanuts (Snoopy) cartoon, so I took this opportunity to swap out earpiece.

Anyway, before I started to dissect my current phone, I threw impatience out with the baby and stuck it in a container of rice next to the heat lamp in my turtles aquarium. Apparently, the rice absorbs moisture and the heat, well, it’s heat. I left it there yesterday and over night (last night) and this morning I jumped out of bed, powered up, and guess the fuck what!? Not only did it boot, but the keyboard lit up, the ringer worked, I was getting calls/emails/texts, I could see a faint display, and I could even make a call! And you know what’s even MORE better than that?! THE EAR PIECE I PUT IN WORKED! I nearly shit myself. I could hear! Not mumbling, no Peanuts… I felt like even though the display was still fucked, I had made huge progress in my life as a Blackberry Specialist.

** I should mention that upon opening up the casing to my phone… a not-so-shocking observation was made along with the discovery of nearly an inch of sand and a seahorse carcass: the liquid that I thought was “water” smelled a LOT like Tecate, you know “beer water”.

Alright, so now I had to address the display issue. I swapped LCD’s from one BB to the other and it did not do the trick. I tested the “busted” one out on my spare parts phone and it worked just fine, so the back-light issue had nothing to do with the display itself. I took out the motherboard and gently wiped off the connectors, thinking that if anything was corroded or stuck it would some loose (I fixed my laptop this way). No luck there either. So I disconnected the LCD display, wrapped the motherfuckerboard in a paper towel and buried it in rice. Fingers crossed. We will see what happens in a few days. Worse case scenario, I have a phone with a dim ass display until December when the new BB comes out (no display no bee-jay). Best case scenario, I am still a total loser, but a bad ass because I fixed it.

and there is a number 2, in addition to the number 1:

2. You don’t waste any time pussy-footing around with ant baits, traps and/or toxic sprays. You put your pink kitchen gloves on, you go straight to the colony and then you kill the colony…which is what I did today. Me: 1, Pests: 0, Husband: 0, Pest Control Man: 0, Raid: 0.

OH, and p.s It DOES look like Camarades banned me again, for god knows what now. I am kind of over it, they have no clue what they are doing and the TECHNOLOGY IS DEAD…time to move on ho-bags. I will let you know where I end up. Suckas.

Please keep my phone in your prayers. TY

CL

It all began on Friday night. Basically, I went to a friends house to help her make cupcakes for a baby shower she was hosting the next day, and it basically turned into a raging booze-fest. I woke up with dried up frosting over 70% of my body, a hoarse scratchy throat from the occasional puff I took off of someones ciggie and a major wine hangover.

Yesterday I attended the baby shower to help out with the food and set up stuff. Well, this was not your average baby shower. It didn’t begin until nearly 7pm, and at that point Dolly and I were already two hours into the Makers Mark and the cooler full of beer. Things got real ugly at around 9pm when the tequila came out. Oh, did I forget to mention it was a Mexican baby shower? Yeah, so. Yeah.

Um so I don’t remember much after my 4th shot…actually the last thing I remember hearing was “tequila! tequila!” and being chased around by a little Guatemalan man waving around a bottle of Cuervo. Anyway, I woke up this morning with dried up drool on my cheek and all the way down my shoulder ; fully clothed and fully sick to my stomach. I could probably be classified as toxic waste. Like every inch of my being  is screaming mad so I am taking a breather, which includes breathing in no smoke of any kind, and hitting the detox hard core. So long vodka, hello distilled water. Fun-ness.

Oh, also, my friend Dolly has moved back from NY and he gave me a new hat last night (which he is probably regretting now as it was his favorite). Its a NY Rangers Hockey hat from like the 1800′s. I am so thrilled because it has all the charm my Jets hat had with a slight hint of RICH sauce. To Die For Fabulousness.

Happy Sunday, the weather is goooorgeous in the city which makes my current ill state a little more bearable. I am gonna take a nap and then attempt to sweat out the impurities without puking up the mounds of food I consumed last night.. be well lovies.

whoa!

Alright, I got the “you’ve got 10 days” to post , or lose a limb, so here I am.  To clear things up, no, I have not LEFT this site for a new one. I am have not fallen in love with a better looking site or one richer in content…nor am I two-timing this site. I just came up with a funny idea and decided to go with it… Understand?

Not much new is happening around here. Just a lot of work and a lot of beer. Mmmhmmm. I feel as though it is my duty, as the creator of twitdrunk.com, to “test” out the sites functionality while intoxicated. You know, to do as the drunk do or something. Anyway, all of this testing “on beer” has really taken a toll on my ass, my saddlebags and my left tit (?). Now, it could also be all the ribs, bacon, red meat, chips, cheese and chocolate I’ve been chowing down on, but I swear my pants were a lot looser when I stuck to vodka soda. Unfortunately, the dr. is being STINGY with the Valium and wont refill the Rx which means I have to suffer through a hangover if I get my drink all-the-way-on. Total fucker. I’m retarded. Oh well.

I made progress in cleanliness today, which I deserve half a star for. I actually peeled my face from the computer, my ass off the chair and experienced a shower and some exercise, er, in the reverse order…I know, I know. It sucked pretty bad,  but earlier this morning I caught a whiff of myself and I don’t think that it’s ever a good sign when your body smells like marinated meat. Not a gooder.

Obviously, I have not been shooting lately , ha – ha- ha. I will start up again in September. Sometimes it just feels good to let yourself go. I am so glad I’m not famous.

Alright, well, I have to go brush my dog and watch a made for TV movie on Lifetime.  I should be on cam Thursday night. Not sure if it will be camarades or ustream. Check back later for details.

xo

Cl

It’s Monday which means, er, party time! Whoo hoo! My new site is just about to launch. OMG, it’s so funny. This could be the gooder.

Fuck this, hang on, this coffee is NOT black enough. BRB.

The sun is out which means I will be stuck in the apt. all day working…always the case. Actually, I’ve been really boring lately. I can barely stand myself. Sure, sure, I still have a beer here and there and immediately after my coffee, which I NEED to lay off due to this thing called ASS, but I’ve pretty much put fun back on the shelf. Hmm, it must be the beer…I’m soooo going back to vodka starting today at cocktail hour or noon.

Oh, so my birthday! Fun Fun! FC drove two treacherous hours (and when I type it, I mean it.. Sonoma County, Highway 101 = no joke) and  made a surprise appearance. That made my night, among other things…  like, er, massive quantities of SAKE. Holy shit. I woke up with a forehead shiner, a missing Louboutin stiletto and a bottle of penicillin on the nightstand. Fortunately, the shoe was found, the penicillin was not MINE (heck, it was from 1995) and nobody knows how I got the black and blue FOREHEAD which means whatever I did, I did not do it in public. Amen.

Here are some photos, taken by my buddy and business partner Jonah… They are mostly photos of me acting like a typical idiot, enjoy. Oh and the photos toward the end of the night came out a bit blurry due to the fact that the photographer, ehem, was DRUNK. Love ya Jonah!

A New Bad Ass Gallery

My husband surprised me with tequila, beer and flowers so after I logged off, at nearly 1am, I roasted him a turkey. No joke, and then we watched our new favorite movie “Walk Hard” for the 2nd night in a row. If you haven’t seen it, I command you to put it in your netflix queue NOW.

Anyway, sake bomb city, here I come.

Tonight we are having a small celebration at our friend’s Sushi restaurant, Sushi Zen… it’s tradition, we go there every year for our birthdays. The place is pretty much a big party with amazing food and I love it more than anything. They are like family to us and coincidentally my birthday also happens to be the anniversary of the restaurant so it’s a double celebration. Whoo hoo!

Alright, I am outta here. Here is a pic of how the last birthday ended… unfortunately, we did not get a great picture of when my left BOOB fell into the cake, rather it pushed it’s way into the cake. Pure class baby.

“When I saw you I fell in love, and you smiled because you knew.” – W. Shakespeare

xx

email from mom:

Colleen,
Happy Birthday!!  Seems like just yesterday you were three years old, standing on top of the lattice on the deck, getting ready to fly!  Fortunately I was able to get the ladder in time.

Hope you have a nice day.

Love,
Mom

Dust. I hate dust…perhaps more than I hate jerks and assholes.

Of course, there is nothing better to not like than a hypocrite. For example, giving me “fake grief” for popping a Valium now and then, or for drinking too much, only to brag about how you do “illegal recreational drugs” occasionally and ENJOY THEM  is completely bullshit. You lost all respect from me buddy. Not because of the drug use but because you are a fucking fool.

Removing false eyelashes. Note to makeup artists: please inform your models that you are using a glue which requires a special remover to get the darn things off.  I nearly tore off my entire eyelid after a shoot a few weeks back.

People who don’t use twitter. It’s like the best parts of Facebook all in one.

Lastly, I cannot like when the beach in Pacifica is sunnier and warmer than the beach 5 blocks from my house. It’s like a sick joke.

——— new topic

The other night we had a bonfire at the beach (if you were on twitter you’d know this) and it was almost a lot of fun until I stood up. Have you ever tried walking through sand while intoxicated? Not easy! It was up ,two staggers forward, fall on my ass…repeat. At one point I gave up and told my husband to go home and to just leave me there. I couldn’t fucking do it. Well, I drunk dialed Bill and somehow that gave me the strength I needed to make it to the steps, leading up to the parking lot, which I fell down and bloodied up my foot. Yeah! At least I didn’t get arrested this time. Phew!

Actually, the best part of whatever happened, was in the morning when I woke up … I walked into the bathroom to find some random plant, like a houseplant, in the toilet.  I calmly went back into the bedroom, leaving a trail of sand behind me, and said to my half passed out husband “honey, um, would you happen to know WHY there is a plant in the toilet?” he had no clue either so we blame the dog. Again, if you were following me on Twitter you’d have seen the picture.

Alright, I’m already bored. Also, about this detox thing. I was really tired when I made that commitment so I have declared that wine is not considered alcohol and I can drink it freely. Also, red meat is the new white meat and Bacon doesn’t make you die.

Nipples,

cl

xoxo

Bonus round: