Category Archives: Funnies
For Billxyz…
April 22, 2010
because it’s been far too long since you’ve had a decent flashback:
besides there ain’t nothin’ I like more than watchin’ a creepy dildo with flailing arms and teeth singin’ about how it likes eatin’ them noodles…yearrrrgh.
Ja Ja Ja Ja
April 22, 2010
“Germany
• The following airports were open and accepting flights on Wednesday, said the country’s air traffic control DFS: Hamburg, Hanover, Bremen, Hamburg, all Berlin airports, Cologne, Frankfurt/main and Frankfurt Hahn, Saarbruecken, Nuernberg, Stuttgart, and Munch.” – CNN.COM
(Munch?!)
A Hurrah. Finally.
December 11, 2009
Well hello ladies. Miss me?
Blech.
This week has been a killer. I ended up catering that holiday party last Saturday and it was one of the longest days I have had in quite some time. Literally like a 16 hour day.
Did I mention it was an Irish function?
There were two priests present, one of which stood at the end of the counter and watched (cross-eyed and red in the face) as I mashed potatoes and performed other jiggle-inducing tasks for three hours straight.
The kitchen was open, so people could come and go. I had a few fans that evening who lingered around my station and shouted out incoherent (probably profane) words to me as I prepared the food. I think it may have something to do with the fact that I was wearing a very thin, slightly transparent, shirt, and a bra which was cut in such a way that every time I “mashed” or “chopped” or made any sort of abrupt move, my nipples would pop out and become nearly visible through my shirt. I was aware of this slip and could have put my sweater back on, but the people priests were enjoying it far too much. And then there was the “heavy cream” incident which left me with viscous white liquid running down my arm and splattered across my chest ( a moment best viewed, and remembered, in slow motion).
All in all it was a very nice party. The house was LOVELY, the people and priests were lovely and fun… the night ended with a few shots of some whiskey and around 2:30am I collapsed into bed and woke up 10 hours later almost unable to breathe. The sickest I’ve been in about 8 years.
The rest of the week was spent hacking, sneezing and blowing my nose. Not fun. I was going to start looking for more work but then I took a look at the calendar and it hit me that we are leaving in a little less than three months!! He spoke with his new boss in Germany and his start date is April 1, how crazy is that?!
It should be a pretty straightforward move with the exception of the car. What a trip.
In other exciting news, nothing. I am still having pretty major withdrawal from my medication. I have been nauseous, unable to concentrate, sensitive to smell, and having those nasty head zaps. I’ve completely lost my only friend: Sweet Tooth. In fact, the thought of eating sugar makes me want to vomit. Also, my attitude sucks. I have NOT been pleasant to be or to be around. Just one more week and I should be back to normal. Riiiiight.
I don’t feel well. Something stinks. My head hurts. I Must go.
I am a lousy writer. It is not my fault. I’ve always had a problem with structure.
xox
C
The Shop that never was…and other stuff.
September 10, 2009
My “week” does not coincide with a typical “week” for most people, so if it’s Tuesday and I say that I’ve had a long week, don’t start thinking that I am some kind of asshole (although, that may very well be true)…however, it’s Thursday, so nevermind.
I have some things that I’ve been promising to do and slacking off on. One is that darn video, another is getting the shop done which means shooting that stinkin’ calendar. Blah, I have a headache and so I took my shop button down. Every time I saw it, it just pissed me off and I’m all maxed out.
Yesterday was “neat”. I worked out and 45 minutes into it, I nearly fell over, unable to breathe, due to, which I believe, was an asthma attack. I used to have this happen when I was a kid but never as an adult. Working out was the one thing that brought me piece of mind and relieved my anxiety, now I can add it to the list of things that terrify me. Cheers!
Gorgeous day out, too bad I’ve got a migraine … GAWD, talk about a real downer I am today. Somebody shoot me and shut me up.
Let’s scramble around for some good, OH, or perhaps a FUNNY!
The good:
My tan hasn’t faded yet ++
The sun came out +++
The kitchen is only partially messy ++
My husband went out last night so I got to have some TIME ALONE and watch a movie BY MYSELF on the couch ALONE without being BOTHERED +++++++ (infinite pluses)
…and a little funny
Last night I was busy working away on stuff, scanning in stuff while my scanner still works… I had a little operation set up on the couch, and on the ottoman, in which I was basically unable to get out without having to step, or trip, over cords and chargers and cocktails.. so anyway, here is how it goes:
Husband: “hey can you give me that 50$ you owe me”
Me – Busy: “it’s in my purse, get it yourself”
Husband:” Your purse is next to you, can you get it”
Me: “Ugh fine…” – so I remember that I had a couple of loose 20′s and a 10 spot floating around in the bottom of the bag somewhere… but all I could find were a 10 and a 20, I crumple each one into a ball and toss it to him across the room - “Shit, I am missing a 20…”
Husband: “ARE YOU SERIOUS!!! OMG… that’s not fair, blah blah blah…” as he grabs for the crumpled up bills. meanwhile, I am about to punch him.
Me: “Sorry man, don’t know what happened to it, musta fallen out of my bag… I will give it to you later” – going back to work..
Husband jerk-off: ” …. blah blah blah you promised me, you are going back on your promise! You cannot do that, that is so unfair!”
Me-rolling eyes:” are you fucking joking?” – I look down at the pile of SHIT I had just emptied from my bag and see the missing 20 poking out of a piece of paper, stuck on with a wad of gum. “here is your effing 20″ and I crumple it, as I did the others and threw it at him. However, this time, I made an error and it barely went anywhere.
Husband:” can you please pick it up and give it to me? I cannot reach it and I refuse to get up an get it.”
Me -snickering: “Nope. You get up and get it. I am busy”
Husband (whining, complaining, being a big standard bitch): “blah blah blah”
Me: I am over it. So I get up, go to the bathroom, get the blow dryer… walk back to the couch, plug it in, turn it on full-blast, point it to the 20 on the floor and blow the money closer to him so that he can pick it up. Of course, I was chuckling like an asshole under my breath. He is livid …and pretty much belligerent at this point (drunk), and even after he gets the money he continues the nonsense, going off about how “DEGRADING it was that he even had to ask for it”… ok, at this point I am trying to keep a straight face …and because I would rather just not fight back, I just sat back, let him rant and I voice recorded it on my BlackBerry, it is hysterical. I have already lissened it twice. I promised him I would not post it here… but ya never know when PMS might strike.
The end.
