Joan of Arse - Read it and Weep

Category Archives: New Junk

You’re not my database programmer, you can’t tell me what to do..

July 21, 2009

Holy Shit!

whoa!

Alright, I got the “you’ve got 10 days” to post , or lose a limb, so here I am. To clear things up, no, I have not LEFT this site for a new one. I am have not fallen in love with a better looking site or one richer in content…nor am I two-timing this site. I just came up with a funny idea and decided to go with it… Understand?

Not much new is happening around here. Just a lot of work and a lot of beer. Mmmhmmm. I feel as though it is my duty, as the creator of twitdrunk.com, to “test” out the sites functionality while intoxicated. You know, to do as the drunk do or something. Anyway, all of this testing “on beer” has really taken a toll on my ass, my saddlebags and my left tit (?). Now, it could also be all the ribs, bacon, red meat, chips, cheese and chocolate I’ve been chowing down on, but I swear my pants were a lot looser when I stuck to vodka soda. Unfortunately, the dr. is being STINGY with the Valium and wont refill the Rx which means I have to suffer through a hangover if I get my drink all-the-way-on. Total fucker. I’m retarded. Oh well.

I made progress in cleanliness today, which I deserve half a star for. I actually peeled my face from the computer, my ass off the chair and experienced a shower and some exercise, er, in the reverse order…I know, I know. It sucked pretty bad, but earlier this morning I caught a whiff of myself and I don’t think that it’s ever a good sign when your body smells like marinated meat. Not a gooder.

Obviously, I have not been shooting lately , ha – ha- ha. I will start up again in September. Sometimes it just feels good to let yourself go. I am so glad I’m not famous.

Alright, well, I have to go brush my dog and watch a made for TV movie on Lifetime. I should be on cam Thursday night. Not sure if it will be camarades or ustream. Check back later for details.

Cups of Coffee: one for each Jonahs' Brother.. you do the math.
What Does Jonah Want Now?: he wants you to "look" his keywords >:-) and then he wants you to go with him to the worst place in the world: COSTCO.

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Bob is not paying my bills anymore….bad, bad man.

June 12, 2009

Hey!
I’m here and I am all brand new! My dental work has been sorted out and I am happy to report that I have been relieved of the constant pain and overall feeling of malaise. Whoo hoo! Bye bye Vicodin, hello happy!

I am very excited for next week, tons of shoots AND, even more exciting.. the launch of my ONLINE STORE!! YES YES YES! I haven’t been shooting for the past two weeks, due to my tooth dilemma, so I’ve been nerding it up and I built an online store for my site. I am still fiddling around with the layout and the overall design but it works like a dream and I am so frickin’ excited I could blink.

What will I be selling, you ask? … EButt Plugs! No, actually, I have been doing shoots for trade, no signed release of the photos..meaning neither party can use them for commercial use, aka:profit. This poses a problem for me because I would like to get paid, in some money-like form, for being really ridiculously good looking (hey now Jonah said I was a 10 so STFU hahah) … so from now on I will only be shooting with signed releases stating that I can sell them and owe no royalties to the photographer…I will give the photogs credit and link to them, but they cannot collect a percentage of the sale. Any10not8, I am going to be selling photos in high res., desktop themes, videos, secret URL’s to “special webcam events”…. and the BEST thing about it is that I linked it through a paypal check out system, so you don’t have to register to purchase anything, AND EVERYTHING for sale will be downloadable. No shipping. Unless, of course, it is a calendar or an actual non-virtual object. It’s so bad ass… I know you will love, save up your allowance!

Typing of webcam… I will be popping on camarades at some point,URL, next week for the last time.Mostly because I am sick of the person who keeps ripping each image and even more mostly because I feel like I should make a little profit on my time and my mad entertainment skillz. Starting next week, when I do go on cam… you will have to purchase the URL to the new site through my store. You only have to purchase it once and it won’t cost a ton. It’s like a special key to my webcam, and a forced token of your appreciation. The URL will not change, unless I am doing a special event and I will be streaming from another location..in that case, you will have to purchase that URL to view that event. I won’t charge to stream, so once you are there, you can stay as long as you want. I will be scheduling shows about 2x a week and will be on for at least an hour. You will get your moneys worth, whores. Chat will still remain free through this site.

Important: All webcam proceeds will go toward the purchase of a NEW High Def WebCam/ Digital VIDEO CAMERA so that I can make even cooler videos and look even better live in high def baby. So it benefits you to contribute.

Lastly, somebody special turned SIX years old this week so don’t forget to wish our little buddy, and my co-host, a happy stinky poopy-time birthday after your late afternoon whack.

Stay tuned for my next video “Give a Dog a Bath” which was voted for by you!! It’s gonna be great!

xoxo

Current Mood: Happy Happy Happy
Smell of the Day: The prime rib roasting in honor of Daisy's 6th birthday :-)

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Filed under Boring Announcements, Jibber Jabber, New Junk, Webcast Announcements ♥ Comments (1)

Portfolio shmortfolio… my face hates me, my toilet hates me…

April 5, 2009

and my dog keeps giving me dirty looks.

I am begining to think that putting together a decent portfolio, with 12 images or less of exceptional (not just “ok” or even “great”) photos, is right up there with o- chem 2 and physics with calculus.

I cannot get a decent headshot. I am thinking that I should give up on my head and just photoshop it out of every closeup. I have a rather nice neck though. It would be very 19th century. A timeless look…and with photoshop, it will be 100% bloodless. A clean crop. Wah lah, may I introduce to you, the head”less”shot. Just use your imagination and think about what could have been.

I am going to fuck off this photography for a while and focus on cleaning my room. This is a task which I have been avoiding on accident for weeks now due to my hectic shooting schedule: pulling clothes from rack, tossing them on the floor, blowing my nose into them… tossing them back on the floor.

I have no maid. No money for maid (let alone a decent headshot). The poor toilet hasn’t had an intimate encounter with a sponge in weeks. Imagine if I had children to look after…heck, my dog is barely surviving this. I have a husband, and he has world of warcraft. So bascially, I am fucked.

I am gonna go scrub away the film of scum that has accumulated over everything in this apartment.

Cups of Coffee: 1-2-3-4-5-6-7-8-9-10.....11-12
Places You Might Find Me Today: scrubbin.
Current Mood: scrubbly

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Filed under 100% winner, Funnies, Jibber Jabber, New Junk, Ping This Bitch ♥ Comments (6)

If you suck and you know it, clap your thighs..

April 3, 2009

If you suck and you know it, flabby thighs’ll surely show it.. if you suck and you know it clap your thighs.

Hey hobags,

I posted some new photos from last nights shoot. Extra spooky. Extra hard core. Extra train action. I think I still have a coal stain on my left ass area.

So, I am scared. I met someone at the fashion mixer who produces fashion shows and he wants to meet with me and get me on the runway. This frightens me because large crowds staring at me makes my knees go shaky and clinkity-clink (I DREADED SPEECH CLASS). I can handle a lens, but a lens and lots of people staring while I have to walk a semi-straight line… and the possibility me of falling on my ass in front of lenses and people and people with lenses… hey… actually, that doesn’t sound half bad. I am NOT a walker…as in, a runway walker. I climb and make funny arm movements…but strut is not my thing.

Anyway, I am off to get a taco. I worked out every day, ate well all week….flossed my wooden teeth and got up before noon. I deserve a little danger in my diet, right?

Stop what you are doing, go to my photos and check out last nights shoot. Then, when you are done, email Michi and be sure to tell her how out of this world fantastic she is. Thanks.

Also, eh nevermind just go look at the photos before Ford Models calls and sweeps me up because they love me so much and cannot book without me… they want me bad. They want my hair most of all