whoa!

Alright, I got the “you’ve got 10 days” to post , or lose a limb, so here I am.  To clear things up, no, I have not LEFT this site for a new one. I am have not fallen in love with a better looking site or one richer in content…nor am I two-timing this site. I just came up with a funny idea and decided to go with it… Understand?

Not much new is happening around here. Just a lot of work and a lot of beer. Mmmhmmm. I feel as though it is my duty, as the creator of twitdrunk.com, to “test” out the sites functionality while intoxicated. You know, to do as the drunk do or something. Anyway, all of this testing “on beer” has really taken a toll on my ass, my saddlebags and my left tit (?). Now, it could also be all the ribs, bacon, red meat, chips, cheese and chocolate I’ve been chowing down on, but I swear my pants were a lot looser when I stuck to vodka soda. Unfortunately, the dr. is being STINGY with the Valium and wont refill the Rx which means I have to suffer through a hangover if I get my drink all-the-way-on. Total fucker. I’m retarded. Oh well.

I made progress in cleanliness today, which I deserve half a star for. I actually peeled my face from the computer, my ass off the chair and experienced a shower and some exercise, er, in the reverse order…I know, I know. It sucked pretty bad,  but earlier this morning I caught a whiff of myself and I don’t think that it’s ever a good sign when your body smells like marinated meat. Not a gooder.

Obviously, I have not been shooting lately , ha – ha- ha. I will start up again in September. Sometimes it just feels good to let yourself go. I am so glad I’m not famous.

Alright, well, I have to go brush my dog and watch a made for TV movie on Lifetime.  I should be on cam Thursday night. Not sure if it will be camarades or ustream. Check back later for details.

xo

Cl

I am very excited for next week, tons of shoots AND, even more exciting.. the launch of my ONLINE STORE!! YES YES YES! I haven’t been shooting for the past two weeks,  due to my tooth dilemma, so I’ve been nerding it up and I built an online store for my site. I am still fiddling around with the layout and the overall design but it works like a dream and I am so frickin’ excited I could blink.

What will I be selling, you ask? … EButt Plugs!  No, actually, I have been doing shoots for trade, no signed release of the photos..meaning neither party can use them for commercial use, aka:profit. This poses a problem for me because I would like to get paid, in some money-like form, for being really ridiculously good looking (hey now Jonah said I was a 10 so STFU hahah) … so from now on I will only be shooting with signed releases stating that I can sell them and owe no royalties to the photographer…I will give the photogs credit and link to them, but they cannot collect a percentage of the sale. Any10not8, I am going to be selling photos in high res., desktop themes, videos, secret URL’s to “special webcam events”…. and the BEST thing about it is that I linked it through a paypal check out system, so you don’t have to register to purchase anything, AND EVERYTHING for sale will be downloadable. No shipping. Unless, of course, it is a calendar or an actual non-virtual object. It’s so bad ass… I know you will love, save up your allowance!

Typing of webcam… I will be popping on camarades at some point,URL, next week for the last time.Mostly because I am sick of the person who keeps ripping each image and even more mostly because I feel like I should make a little profit on my time and my mad entertainment skillz. Starting next week,  when I do go on cam… you will have to purchase the URL to the new site through my store. You only have to purchase it once and it won’t cost a ton. It’s like a special key to my webcam, and a forced token of your appreciation. The URL  will not change, unless I am doing a special event and I will be streaming from another location..in that case, you will have to purchase that URL to view that event. I won’t charge to stream, so once you are there, you can stay as long as you want. I will be scheduling shows about 2x a week and will be on for at least an hour. You will get your moneys worth, whores. Chat will still remain free through this site.

Important: All webcam proceeds will go toward the purchase of a NEW High Def WebCam/ Digital VIDEO CAMERA so that I can make even cooler videos and look even better live in high def baby. So it benefits you to contribute.

Lastly, somebody special turned SIX years old this week so don’t forget to wish our little buddy, and my co-host,  a happy stinky poopy-time birthday after your late afternoon whack.

Stay tuned for my next video “Give a Dog a Bath” which was voted for by you!! It’s gonna be great!

xoxo

CL

I am begining to think that putting together a decent portfolio, with 12 images or less of exceptional (not just “ok” or even “great”) photos, is right up there with o- chem 2 and physics with calculus.

I cannot get a decent headshot. I am thinking that I should give up on my  head and just photoshop it out of every closeup. I have a rather nice neck though. It would be very 19th century. A timeless look…and with photoshop, it will be 100% bloodless. A clean crop.  Wah lah, may I introduce to you, the head”less”shot. Just use your imagination and think about what could have been.

I am going to fuck off this photography for a while and focus on cleaning my room. This is a task which I have been avoiding on accident for weeks now due to my hectic shooting schedule: pulling clothes from rack, tossing them on the floor, blowing my nose into them… tossing them back on the floor.

I have no maid. No money for maid (let alone a decent headshot). The poor toilet hasn’t had an intimate encounter with a sponge in weeks. Imagine if I had children to look after…heck, my dog is barely surviving this. I have a husband, and he has world of warcraft. So bascially, I am fucked.

I am gonna go scrub away the film of scum that has accumulated over everything in this apartment.

xx

cl

Hey hobags,

I posted some new photos from last nights shoot. Extra spooky. Extra hard core. Extra train action. I think I still have a coal stain on my left ass area.

So, I am scared. I met someone at the fashion mixer who produces fashion shows and he wants to meet with me and get me on the runway. This frightens me because large crowds staring at me makes my knees go shaky and clinkity-clink (I DREADED SPEECH CLASS). I can handle a lens, but a lens and lots of people staring while I have to walk a semi-straight line… and the possibility me of falling on my ass in front of lenses and people and people with lenses… hey… actually, that doesn’t sound half bad. I am NOT a walker…as in, a runway walker. I climb and make funny arm movements…but strut is not my thing.

Anyway, I am off to get a taco. I worked out every day, ate well all week….flossed my wooden teeth and got up before noon. I deserve a little danger in my diet, right?

Stop what you are doing, go to my photos and check out last nights shoot. Then, when you are done, email Michi and be sure to tell her how out of this world fantastic she is. Thanks.

Also, eh nevermind just go look at the photos before Ford Models calls and sweeps me up because they love me so much and cannot book without me… they want me bad. They want my hair most of all

I have another shoot tomorrow, the 31st and a bridal shoot at the end of April…much more goodies to come.

The plan is to print the best of them and try and get signed with an agency here in the city. It sure would be nice to make some money.

to the dreaded office I go…

xx

CL

He meant so much to me, like nobody else. The times we had were  rich and new…we explored old worlds and looked up robin hoods skirt when no one was looking. I saved every matchbook, every train ticket, and every receipt from every adventure….from Paris to Wales.

For me, the most memorable occasion was when he took me to this place called Chatsworth House. It was absolutely beautiful and so fucking fancy with the most gorgeous garden I’ve ever seen… breathtaking, and in the middle of the garden they had this life-sized garden maze. Like something  from Alice in Wonderland, we were in awe. It was misty outside and a bit drizzly, not quite raining…damp…typical England weather. We decided to start at opposite sides of the maze and meet in the middle. After scrambling around for at least 30 minutes, we both met at the center,a bit muddy from the knees down and wet headed. We ran to each other, embraced, locked lips.. and at that moment the sun came bursting out through the clouds, no fucking joke. (We were totally cornified with rainbows and sparklies). Seriously though, it was surreal. I just remember thinking: this is the most wonderful, and coolest moment of my life. It was nothing short of perfect. We stood there in each others arms, silent, damp, and breathless like two stunned flies. I think time, for the slightest moment, may have stood still.

Our parting of ways was less than perfect which is mostly my fault. I had heard he was going to ask me to marry him and his family was encouraging me to stay. That freaked me the fuck out and I fled the country.Literally. It would have been wrong for me to stay. He needed to get the heck out of that dreadful town and experience life and other people. I had a good 5 years on him… he was too young and I still had some living to do on my own.

We keep in touch, against the wishes of my husband but I don’t give a shit. We had a back and forth conversation via text a few months ago. He said he didn’t know what went wrong with us. Without thinking about how he would react, I told him that I still loved him very much (which I meant in the friend-for-life kind of way, not the romantic way).. he then went on to say that if I loved him why wasn’t I there with him. I went blank and felt like the worlds biggest asshole. I didn’t know what to say. I don’t think I responded to it.

Ok well,  I’m gonna go poke my eye out now.

Here is us, I have posted this before. I don’t have many digitals of us, only a few random scanned in pics. This one was taken in Paris, in some photo booth thingy. It’s one of my favs…

C and D

.

xx

Crack

You want my status? follow me on Twitter.

You want to see what I look like? come to my website.

You want to be a real pal and “network”?  link or rss to my site and show me some support because I will forget the little people who did nothing, even if this is as good as it gets. Promise!

I don’t need to log into an annoying app to see what people are doing. If I wanted to know I’d text you, email you.. or I’d just follow you on Twitter . I don’t want another poke. I don’t want to take another survey or install another cluttering annoying application that’s been done a million times before.

You want to know me, befriend me… or give two shits about me. You know where to find me. Right here.

How fabulous is that? You have to actually come to me which requires effort and genuine curiosity.

I am slowly realizing that there are a few haters among my circle. Hating not because of who I am (well maybe), but because I have the balls to say “fuck it” , break away from the norm and take a risk by doing something that actually makes me happy (which I am learning really does piss some people off).

Are there days when I would love to have a steady income, financial security and the means to shop like a bastard? Sure.. but they are so infrequent I can count them on one finger shoved halfway up my ass.

Mostly, I am happy that I am not an idiot. I am happy that I can do something, make something and create something that is all mine .. I am thankful for being a dork . Everything here is intentional.

I am thankful that  I can appreciate the amount of work  and talent it takes to make a fucking fully functioning WordPress plugin and THANK you for doing so because you inspire me to make really neat things.

Viva Manolo Blahnik! Viva open source code!

It may not be much here…but I am my own boss. I manage my time.. prioritize what I need to do next to make people WANT to read this shit.

Welcome to Assbook 1.0. You may kiss it at any time.

xx

Like Frank Says : Potshit happens.

The husband put in a request for a relocation to Munich. As soon as he get his visa, and wraps up all of the corporate formalities..he, the dog and I will be moving overseas to embark on a new adventure. I cannot wait. So much fun to be had while we are still young and while our livers are still functioning at a reasonable level.

We scratched the idea of moving to Boston because it would be too similar to living here. It’s just as expensive and just as American. We both decided that if we were gonna move, and move out of SF, we were gonna move BIG and this opportunity happened to come  up in Germany… Hopefully they wont give my husband any shit for being a Jew… ah whatever, I give him shit for it every day…he’s used to it.

I really really need a burrito and some nachos right now. Really really badly, I do. I deserve it, I did my taxes today… I am slightly good.

xx

Crackie

1. I slept in until nearly 11 (pretty much standard for me these days.. hate me much?)

2. had 3.5 temper tantrums, threw keys at wall… cursed obscenities at a son-0f-a-bitch..didn’t regret it. I’ve cut my crazy pills to half and I’ve nearly sworn off valium… let a girl adjust dammit.

3. I had 2.5 cups of coffee. no breakfast… no need, slept through it.

4. put last weeks laundry away only to be told I did it wrong..which is when I took a step back, a deep breath, regained composure and told him to go fuck himself, naturally (and with a smile).

5.I took one shower and one bath, and in neither did I wash my hair (although, I did get it wet)…

6. I stole one of the tyrants cliff bars and ate it when he wasn’t looking…and I have a hunch that I will do it again before the night is through.

7. Blew up one brand spankin’ new exercise ball and took it to town. A little stiff and slippery but what’s not to like about that .

8. Still cannot spell excsersize without spell checking which I rarely do because I am so rare like that.

9. took a B vitamin, a c vitamin, some artichoke extract and my temperature (via rectum)… to my dismay, I am not ill…time to come up with another excuse.

10. decided not to call that person back that is interested in hiring me..because the job sounds like crap and I just don’t have any room in my life for any more crap. Don’t they know I am married?!

11. drove 80 down a 35… never felt so good …watchin’ the gas gauge go from half-full to fully-empty in one stretch of 4 rpm madness… kiss my dust.

12. Just took 1 shot of  vodka, pouring another…just dropped crumpled cliff bar wrapper on aforementioned tyrants desk. ha. ha. ha.

Have a lovely night. May you never have the pleasure of smelling the house after the husband takes a shit. Peace be with you…(and also with you)

xx

Crack Fucking Luscious.

Rock on Fuckers.

I’ve been a busy nerd/slut tonight. Not only have I done everything (put a roast in the oven, humped a mailman, hung the dirty laundry out to air)… I’ve improved the quality of the browsing experience, both on my blog and on my photos page, for all of my 2 lovely viewers. Both of whom can suck it short and semi-hard.

I redid the way that the server re-directs my urls in the photo directory (you care and you are happy -STFU) so that google will like me more better. Basically it was spitting out unfriendly url’s rather than just your standard pictures/imawhoo-ker.jpg and that got google all confused, making my photos unsearchable and that bothered me since I need the attention. How do I know this? I don’t, just a hunch because of my lazy naming scheme (camelToe) and after about 5 hours of researching how to make  my gallery SEO (search engine optimized biatches!) I renamed all of the photos and strategically tagged my albums in order to bring in more perverted traffic. I want to be #1! .. or number 2 or somewhere in the first 1000…or nnot.

I am sure it’s still all broke ass.. I had to fiddle with the code in the lowest way possible…literally having a scuffle with the .htaccess file in that fricken directory so that the breadcrumbs would stop cutting off the WWW before the path – crappy opensource minge code … I am a consistionist … if that’s even a fucking word. I want all of my pages to load a certain way, in a certain format because: it’s possible, it’s clean, it’s what I want and because IT’S CORRECT.. either way, I hacked it, smeared poop on it and it worked and I am a happy lady.

By the way…suck it apache. You will never outsmart me…and Gallery 2 you can suck it too along with my only three readers who don’t appreciate shit.

Anyfuckiburnedtheroast, the pictures are still as pathetic as ever, just like me. That will change soon, unlike me. I Promise. Optimize Optimize …

The blog has been revamped, in that I changed the format of how it looks a bit, updated the software, added a masturbation widget, a shout thingy that nobody will use… switched around some of the meta garb.. anyway, it’s prettier, cleaner and I still haven’t showered so again, eat shit, suck it, you are worth less than me and I hope that you have a lovely night.

must go roast the potatoes at a quarter to 11pm… hunger pangs and protruding hip bones call.

xx

Crack Luscious