[12:47:52 AM] *** Missed call from Wulf. ***
[12:48:31 AM] Wulf: hi im mark, and im in munich

[12:48:31 AM] Joan of Arse: Joan of Arse has shared contact details with Wulf.
[12:48:46 AM] Joan of Arse: are you my smelly neighbor?
[12:48:47 AM] Joan of Arse: hahaha
[12:48:56 AM] Wulf: i hope not
[12:49:08 AM] Joan of Arse: uuuuum
[12:49:10 AM] Wulf: lol
[12:49:20 AM] Joan of Arse: why are you in munich if it says you are in london
[12:49:43 AM] Wulf: work
[12:49:48 AM] Joan of Arse: ah
[12:49:49 AM] Wulf: in a hotel
[12:50:17 AM] Wulf: and u
[12:50:30 AM] Joan of Arse: chilling in my stable
[12:50:43 AM] Wulf: can u cam
[12:51:08 AM] Joan of Arse: no because i am going to bed…and because i have to laugh..
[12:51:27 AM] Wulf: r u in town now
[12:51:33 AM] Joan of Arse: I live here.
[12:51:40 AM] Wulf: i c
[12:51:44 AM] Wulf: do u have a pic
[12:51:46 AM] Joan of Arse: im like chatting to my stabler keeper
[12:51:55 AM] Joan of Arse: you cant see my pic? hahah
[12:52:01 AM] Wulf: nope
[12:52:02 AM] Joan of Arse: you can see … go to my website
[12:53:19 AM] Joan of Arse: where do you work
[12:53:49 AM] Wulf: im a partner in PE firm Premium Investment
[12:54:07 AM] Joan of Arse: What is that…do you own a horse?
[12:54:11 AM] Joan of Arse: or a helicopter?
[12:54:20 AM] Wulf: nope
[12:54:34 AM] Joan of Arse: oh
[12:54:45 AM] Wulf: im fund investor
[12:54:45 AM] Joan of Arse: how did you find my skype?
[12:54:48 AM] Joan of Arse: oh ok
[12:54:56 AM] Wulf: just boared

[12:55:04 AM] Wulf: skype search
[12:55:19 AM] Joan of Arse: boared? hmm what did you search for
[12:55:47 AM] Wulf: just female in munich  (*which is a untrue, FYI. I am not “search-able” this way*)
[12:56:06 AM] Joan of Arse: where are you from originally
[12:56:11 AM] Wulf: london
[12:56:22 AM] Wulf: you
[12:56:33 AM] Joan of Arse: which part
[12:56:44 AM] Wulf: St johnswood
[12:56:51 AM] Joan of Arse: ah ok
[12:56:54 AM] Wulf: u
[12:57:00 AM] Joan of Arse: California
[12:57:16 AM] Joan of Arse: hey i have to go
[12:57:23 AM] Joan of Arse: im talking to my groomer
[12:57:26 AM] Joan of Arse: of ghey horse inc.
[12:57:30 AM] Wulf: pity would have loved to see you
[12:57:31 AM] Joan of Arse: have a good one
[12:57:50 AM] Joan of Arse: yeah well … life isn’t always fair.. trust me
[12:58:50 AM] Wulf: if you change your mind and adventurous im in the westin
[12:59:50 AM] *** Call from Wulf declined. ***
[1:00:22 AM] Joan of Arse: i cant sorry. busy, new shipment of hooves coming in

[1:00:46 AM] Wulf: thats tomorrow- there is today and now

[1:01:33 AM] Joan of Arse: they are coming now today and tomorrow sorry. BUT I AM SURE that if you go OUT you will meet lots of lovely ladies who would love to do whatever it is you want to do. U know bars are open LATE here and some NEVER close. ok
[1:02:06 AM] Wulf: can i invite you for lunch
[1:02:18 AM] Wulf: or polo match in london
[1:04:42 AM] Joan of Arse: Im sorry I can’t… ahahah ghey horse polo?
[1:06:14 AM] Wulf: no one said ghey
[1:06:20 AM] Wulf: i said polo
[1:06:46 AM] Joan of Arse: i dont know how to play
[1:06:48 AM] Joan of Arse: sorry
[1:07:02 AM] Wulf: no matter the option is open
[1:07:15 AM] Wulf: and if u change your mind call me
[1:07:42 AM] Joan of Arse: but why? u don’t even know me? I could be a touchy feely accordion player?
[1:08:05 AM] Wulf: dont know going my instinct here
[1:08:33 AM] Wulf: gomez is latin so i trust, maybe will work
[1:10:11 AM] Wulf: take care
[1:10:18 AM] Joan of Arse: k thanks
[1:10:22 AM] Joan of Arse: bye
[1:10:39 AM] Wulf: and if u wish to play send me your number or ill give u mine
[1:11:10 AM] Joan of Arse: play what? chess?
[1:11:32 AM] Wulf: passionate lusty sex
[1:11:44 AM] Joan of Arse: nope can’t do that but have a nice night
[1:11:47 AM] Joan of Arse: bye
[1:11:51 AM] Wulf: bye
[1:12:13 AM] Joan of Arse: you know, you can pay people for that
[1:12:20 AM] Joan of Arse: there ARE professionals for that sort of thing
[1:12:23 AM] Joan of Arse: not skypers
[1:12:27 AM] Joan of Arse: …that you dont know
[1:12:31 AM] Joan of Arse: just a suggestion
[1:13:04 AM] Wulf: thx
[1:13:07 AM] Wulf: night

Here is a fine example of the kind of service Chase has to offer to people who pay on time every month:

Scene one: 04/07/2010

me: “Hi there, I am calling to follow up on the request that I put in last week to have a copy of our title sent to the shipping company who is transporting our car to Germany”

e=mc^2:  ” Yes, ma’am (pronounced ‘mom’), I am showing that the fax was sent yesterday at 5:57pm.”

me: “Well, the guy over at the shipping company just emailed me and told me that he never received it. Are you sure that the fax actually went through and that there wasn’t some sort of error? Is there any confirmation of this?”

e=mc^2:  “Yes ma’am our records indicate that the fax went through.”

me: ” Hmm, really? Can you read me number that it was faxed to please?”

e=mc^2:  “Yes, it was faxed to XX5-XXX-XXXX…”

me:” XX5-XXX-XXXX? hmm…and you are POSITIVE that it went through?”

e=mc^2:  “Yes ma’am, it says right here that the fax went through…”

me: “..ok, and so what about the copy that I had requested to be mailed to my home address? Has that been sent out also?”

e=mc^2: ” I don’t see any request for that here in my records.”

me: ” You have got to be kidding. Not only did I call twice and was told both times that the request had been submitted, but I also gave the person I spoke with a new mailing address, please check your notes.”

e=mc^2: ” I am sorry ma’am, I do not see that request…”

at this point I could feel my pulse behind my eyes and I completely lost my cool. E=mc^2 apologized and promised to have another fax sent out as well as have a copy mailed to me by the end of the week. I explained to her that we have absolutely no time to waste and in order for our car to be put in that crate and on the boat, which is scheduled to ship out AFTER we have already left the country, they have to have that title. She said she would see what she could do to get the fax out and the conversation ended which is when it hit me that the fax number she had read back to me was incorrect. The number did not begin with XX5, it began with XX6. Fuck.

So out of plain old-fashioned curiosity and after recalling that e=mc^2 had CONFIRMED, and basically swore on her life, that the fax had indeed gone through without a hitch, I dialed the number and this is what I got:

” You have reached a non-working number”.

How does that happen? I mean, I am NO faxing expert, but from what I understand, a fax sent to a non-working number would not go through, and therefore a confirmation of “fax sent” would not be issued.

Basically, what it boils down to is that she LIED to me and she lied to the system. Not fresh at all. So I rang up Chase again and got F=ma on the phone.

me: “Hi, I just called a few minutes ago to check up on the status of my fax and after I hung up I discovered that the number you had sent the fax to was incorrect.”

F=ma: “Oh, I am so sorry, yes, I do see your call here and it looks like another request for fax has been submitted. Let me update the number in the system.”

me: “Thank you so much. Now the new fax request will be updated also, correct? I just want to make sure that it doesn’t get sent to the wrong number again.”

F=ma:”Yes, that is correct…”

me: ” Great, thanks.”

… I was pretty confident at this point that the little catastrophe had been sorted out. F=ma seemed to be on top of her game.

And then I woke up, literally, and began to write this post. About half way through yesterdays experience, I decided to put down the laptop and call Chase to confirm that my fax has been processed and sent to the right number just for piece of mind..

scene two: 04/08/2010

me: ” Hi there, I am just following up on a fax request that was sent out yesterday. I just want to make sure that it got sent out today.”

a^2+b^2=c^2: “Hello ma’am, yes I do see that your request went through and it was sent  this morning.”

me: “Oh, excellent, so that was the 2nd request, right? Because the first fax went to the wrong number  and I called yesterday afternoon to have that corrected.

a^2+b^2=c^2: “What is the fax number you wanted this sent to ma’am?”

me: “Uuuum, let me see, oh yeah XX6..”

a^2+b^2=c^2: “XX6? Not XX5?..”

me: “..please do not tell me that this was sent to XX5. I called you yesterday at 3:36pm and had the number corrected.”

a^2+b^2=c^2: “I am so sorry ma’am, according to my records this fax was sent to the number beginning with XX5..let me check my notes…oh yes, I see here where you called with the XX6 number…”

me: “@(@#*)@!! @*#(@#*#)@(!?!?! *#*%&@(#)*$!?!?!?”

a^2+b^2=c^2: “Can you please hold… I am going to transfer you to a supervisor”

The drudge supervisor eventually got on the phone and offered me a mass-produced apology. He said he was going to have this expedited and faxed to the CORRECT number within the hour. I am expecting much more of the same: BULLFUCK.

…until next time.

This weeks incidence of high-blood pressure was brought to y0u by the dick-hole-mother-fuckers over at Chase Auto Finance

Stay tuned for the next post, in the series “tragic bullshit”, about what happens when two  HR departments, a blow-up “lawyer”, and two knowledge-less “relocation specialists” who haven’t updated their procedure files in 30 years, fuck up a visa and make us do all the work.

Dear Mailman Son-of-a-Bitch:

DO NOT, under any circumstance, ring MY bell, thinking I will let you in the building so that you can leave a  package for another unit because you are TOO LAZY to have to write a notice to the tenant and/or come back again tomorrow.  Your squinty weenie ass has done this two days in a row and today was the last straw..you gave me  no other choice than to open my window and give you a proper telling off.

On top of it all I am not feeling well today and I cancelled two scheduled shoots. I was not getting paid for these so my health took priority. I am no longer doing freebies, unless it’s with friends. Time is money, cough it up or get another model.

To be honest, I’m gonna take a leave from the modeling unless the money is right. I have a few other projects in the works, one of which is my own creation: twitdrunk.com and I cannot wait to get it, and my other sites, up and running. I’m am ready to crawl back into the cave, shut out the world, and geek out for a few weeks before taking off for vacation. I am happiest when I am productive and working and not being bothered. Also, I have NO intention of pursuing any sort of modeling once we move overseas… so it is imperative that I get my sites  done before I leave as I will be without internet for at least 2 weeks…most likely more.. and these sites will be my main source of income.

Anyway, I am gonna take my grouchy sick ass back to the couch and read a book…I am tempted to flip on the tudors season 3, but you know how that goes.. one epi leads to another and then another. If I turn it on this early in the day I’ll wind up with bed sores for sure.

I just cannot win. I want french onion soup with like 2 inches of gooey cheese, so help me god.

love

CL

Today’s song: silence.

I did this over xmas and it was a real hit. Here, let me see if I can dig up a photo….

The best part of the Jesus bag is that it looks like it came that way, but really, I just print out a picture of JC cut it out and tape it to the front of the bag. The reason why it looks so “authentic” is that JC’s outfit is brown, as is his hair and his fashionable sandals. So, if you get a brown gift bag, cut close enough to JC’s outline, and use non-shiny scotch tape, it looks like the real deal.

ok, digging for photo. Not found, will take another.

Holy shit, I found that photo of when we x-mas tree’d that motorcycle hahaha take a look…

“Once, a motorcycle took up three parking spaces outside of our apartment making it impossible for anyone else to park…so we “christmas tree’d” it in the middle of the night. photo coming.”

Here is that photo I promised you: (click to enlarge)

What a waste.

Oh well at least the popcorn was decent.

So anyfuckingshit, I was on cam for a bit last night  and so was the person who feels it necessary to capture every GD frame. I have asked you kindly to stop doing that and you don’t seem to get it. I HATE having to go through and delete 2000 duplicate pictures from my archives and I am very close to shutting down archives all together, thanks to you. Enough already! I don’t care if you capture it  just don’t save it to my archives,. There are many ways to capture a stream, without doing it the way you are, google it genius. Figure it out before you disappoint thousands of fans (har har).

Ok so lessons of the day:

1. Do not waste your money on that fucking movie.

2. Do not fill up my webcam archives with useless junk.

My goal of the day:

1. To consume as much Taco Bell as I possibly can. I swear those tacos are laced with crack…or maybe its the sauce…me likey.

oh and don’t forget to follow my schedule on Ustream people! Next weeks show is going to be great!! You won’t want to miss it!

xx

Luscious Taco

P.S.  To the person who sabotaged my archives: Pat yourself on the back because..you are today’s official Douche of The Day.

Photos from last night…taken by today’s douche…in the worst light with the worst webcam possible. Enjoy the ugliness.

A New Bad Ass Gallery

Today’s Douche of the Day is the owner of the blue car below.

What makes this person such a douche?

Well, as you can see by the photo, this super star it taking up two entire parking spaces. This is a big NO fucking NO when you live in a city with extremely limited parking. This is blatantly inconsiderate and pisses me off  like nothing else.

The Douche of the Day

What sucks even harder is that this is not the first time this person has been caught in the act of doucheness. In fact, this fabulous individual is guilty of the committing the same act TWICE IN THE SAME SPOT! The first time we actually confronted the douche because we were trying to park and bitch was taking up the entire curb. She took doucheness to the next level by actually rolling her eyes at us before moving her hideous car.

About the douch: She is your basic overly tattoed 1990′s style lesbian looking wanna be artist transplanted from some midwestern suburb. Your standard typical San Francisco poser (yawn).  She probably hasn’t had her box chowed in ages and has obviously never lived in a city before. She is todays official douche. Enjoy.