The gym is a peculiar place, one which I don’t particularly care for but go to nonetheless. And as result of going to the gym, other than becoming more self conscious of my blubberous regions, I have developed an honest problem: a staring problem.
Now, it’s not like a pervy thing. I am in no way, shape, or form, attracted to roidy men who’s necks are thicker than both of my thighs put together, nor I am fantasizing about the 90 lb Japanese girl with the Hello Kitty water bottle, who never breaks a sweat, scarfing down cheeseburger after cheeseburger and showing up a week later weighing 290 lbs.
No. What it is that I find so fascinating, causing me to stare out of sheer perplexity, is people’s ridiculous behavior.
Exercising is an odd thing to do in public and I feel that one should never draw unnecessary attention to themselves, if they can help it. Personally, working out in the gym took me a while to get used to. The grunting, the sweating, the retarded facial expressions, and the stench of another human beings toxic waste makes me a lot uncomfortable and I am always amazed at shameless people who take it to the next level, all for show, as if going to the gym wasn’t hard enough as it is. Take yesterday’s hot mess, for example, who, in the first row (clearly so he could be “seen”), began doing fucking plyometrics on the treadmill (sweat and backhair flying everywhere), while it was at max speed/incline. I had to no choice but to stare, think to myself “what a douche”, and then wonder whether or not he would come crashing into me if/when he flew off the damned thing.
Besides witnessing idiotic behavior, there is something truly mesmerizing about watching a man’s love handles jiggle with such great force it’s as though they are trying like hell to burst out from underneath that sweaty ill-fitted shirt and head to Taco Bell for some nachos and a churro. It’s hypnotic and a great distraction from your burning thighs. Try it sometime.
Anyway, I am off to the gym, again. More sweat, more staring… more stories to tell. Happy Friday.
Update.
The Top Offenders:
1. The man working out in front of the mirror with a full on boner who knew that I knew that he had a full on boner and therefore felt that it was a good enough reason to follow me around.
2. The Mexican kid,doing bench presses, dressed in proper 1990′s “Cholo” attire. I know Cholo’s are serious about their “style”, but was the hair net really necessary?
3. The elderly women in the ladies locker room who insist on standing around nude while conversing with one another. I am in denial that these sorts of thing happen to women’s bodies post menopause for a reason, and I’d like to keep it that way. Cover up already.
4. Testicles. I don’t NEVER ever wanna see em.
My shoes, I love them dearly…thank you Stella.
21 Comments
All the comments you’ve made about ‘ the gym ‘ are so true. I never, I repeat..never have set a foot in a Gym…I can’t stand the sme(e)l of sweat , cheap parfum , second hand sneakers and unwashed private parts of both sexes….it’s all so invane….good shape , bad shape….we’ll have to die anyway…..( notice my reasons for beeing lazy and not in shape..haha).
-http://concepttshirts.co.uk/tshirts/wp-content/uploads/2006/12/dreamt-gym.jpg
http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_OQmEa5OKyOI/R4424sGl56I/AAAAAAAABZE/NcbyiwvIQt0/s400/NoHeelsInTheGym03.jpg
-http://www.zanyimages.com/Everyday/Work%20out%20at%20the%20gym.jpg
-http://www.stumptuous.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/01/the_gym_will_bite_you_banner.jpg
-http://www.shoeboxblog.com/wp-content/uploads/2008/08/whos-at-the-gym.jpg
-my daily exersize;
http://images.mirror.co.uk/upl/article/13298887/2008/07/29/12273408.jpg
FUCKING HILARIOUS!!! I have ALL these same complaints!!
I also really like it when people get ont he machines & don’t know how to use them and jerk themselves around by the weights….
Don’t they have ‘Special’ gyms??
..like the ‘ special ‘ Olympics…..hahaha….
Just saw ‘ Whatever Works ‘ (woody allen). Woody is my all time favourit moviemaker. The brilliancy of it…omg….the humor….the dialogues…..love it ! There’s nothing better than Jewish humor..
-http://www.thefunctionblog.com/storage/post-images/woody-allen-statue-spain-oviedo.jpg
Life is full of misery, loneliness, and suffering – and it’s all over much too soon.
Quote by Woody Allen….haha
Basically my wife was immature. I’d be at home in the bath and she’d come in and sink my boats.
-Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.
-I don’t think my parents liked me. They put a live teddy bear in my crib.
-I want to tell you a terrific story about oral contraception. I asked this girl to sleep with me and she said ‘No.’
-I’m very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch.
-In California, they don’t throw their garbage away – they make it into TV shows.
-What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet.
…..love him..!
Restaraunt Chef: [Larry hires a chef who has Tourette's Syndrome] Fuckhead shitface cocksucker asshole son of a bitch!
[the restaurant suddenly turns silent]
Larry David: [Remembering seeing some high school students support a kid with cancer] Maybe one day I’ll get a chance to do something good for somebody like that.
Larry David: [Aloud] Scum-sucking motherfucking whore!
Jeff Greene: Cock! Cock! Jism! Grandma! Cock!
Michael York: Bum! Fuck, turd, fart… cunt, piss, shit, bugger and balls!
Restaurant Manager: Dammit… hell… crap… ssssssshit!
Cheryl: Ya goddamn motherfuckin’ bitch!
Susie Greene: [Thinking Cheryl is yelling at her] Fuck you, you car wash cunt! I HAD A DENTAL APPOINTMENT!
Cheryl’s Dad: Fellatio, cunnilingus, french kissing! Rimjob.
Richard Lewis: Pussy pig fucker!
Jeff Greene’s Dad: Boy cock, girl cock, E-I-E-I-O!
[Everyone in the restaurant is now laughing hysterically]
-Man: Are you Jewish?
Larry David: You want to check my penis?
-Larry is following directions that told him to make a turn when he saw a barn]
Larry: Was that a barn? Was that a barn? I think it was too small to be a barn, it looked more like a stable. There was a cow there, does that mean… what? That it could have been a barn? There’s no cows in barns. There’s cows on a farm. Are there always barns on farms? There are stables in farms, right, but not necessarily barns? I don’t think that was the barn.
[long pause]
Larry: I think we made the wrong turn.
-[Larry notices a picture on his rabbi's desk]
Larry: Is that you?
Rabbi: That’s… that’s Eddie Solomon. My brother-in-law. He, ummm… he died on September 11th.
Larry: Oh my gosh. Oh, I’m so sorry.
Rabbi: Yeah. Terrible.
Larry: He was in the building?
Rabbi: No, no. He, he was… uptown on 57th Street. He got hit by a bike messenger.
Larry: Uptown?
Rabbi: Yeah, yeah. Bike messenger. Hit ‘em.
Larry: [Long pause] What a shame.
Seinfeld Quotes:
-”You ever notice how happy people are when they finally get a table? They feel so special because they’ve been chosen. It’s enough to make you sick.”
- Elaine, getting very hungry, in “The Chinese Restaurant”
-”Movie hot dogs? I’d rather lick the food off the floor.”
- Elaine, in “The Chinese Restaurant”
-”You don’t understand. A garage… I can’t even pull in there. It’s like going to a prostitute. Why should I pay, when if I apply myself, maybe I could get it for free?”
- George, looking for a parking spot, in “The Parking Spot”
-Look, you wanna have sex right now? Do want to have sex with me right now? Let’s go! C’mon, let’s go baby! C’mon!”
- George, trying to convince a reporter that he’s not gay, in “The Outing”
-Can I have a medium diet coke?”
“Do you want the medium size or the middle size?”
“What’s the difference?”
“Well, we have three sizes – medium, large and jumbo.”
“What happened to the small?”
“There is no small. Small’s medium.”
“What’s medium?”
“Medium’s large and large is jumbo.”
“Okay, give me the large.”
“That’s medium.”
“Right. Can I have a small popcorn?”
“There is no small. Child-size is small.”
“What’s medium?”
“Adult.”
“Do adults ever order the child-size?”
“Not usually.”
“Okay, give me the adult.”
“Do you want butter?”
“Is it real butter?”
“It’s butter flavoring.”
“What is it made of?”
“It’s yellow.”
- Elaine and a woman behind the snack counter, in “The Movie”
“Magellan? You like Magellan?”
“Oh yeah, my favorite explorer. Around the world, come on. Who do you like?”
“I like DeSoto.”
“DeSoto? What did he do?”
“Discovered the Mississippi.”
“Oh, like they wouldn’t have found that anyway.”
- George and Jerry, in “The Boyfriend”
“Is it my imagination, or do really good-looking women walk a lot faster than everybody else?”
“We don’t walk that fast.”
- George and Elaine, in “The Handicap Spot”
-This is our best model, the Cougar 9000. It’s the Rolls Royce of wheelchairs. This is like, you’re almost glad to be handicapped.”
- Salesman, in “The Handicap Spot”
-”I’m not a terrible person.”
“Noooo….”
“No, when I shoo squirrels away, I always say ‘Get out of here.” I never ever throw things at them and try to injure them like other people.”
“That’s nice.”
“Yeah, and when I see freaks in the street, I never ever stare at them, and yet I’m careful not to look away, see, because I want to make the freaks feel comfortable.”
“That’s nice for the freaks.”
“Yeah, and I don’t poof up my hair when I go to the movies so people can see.”
- Elaine and Jerry, in “The Lip Reader”
-
“You have no idea what my people have been through.”
“The Jews?”
“No, the dentists. Did you know we have the highest suicide rate of any profession?”
“Is that why it’s so hard to get an appointment?”
- Tim Whatley and Jerry, in “The Yada Yada”
Sorry Colleen , gonna stop now..but it’s SOOOOOOOO funny …i’d like to share it with the whole world….and yadda yadda…..
No, Really? What gets me are the kooks that do photo shoots wearing “lampshades” and shit like that. Baloney…all of it.
A snapshot rright from the famous 3*** reastaurant
” The Fried Nigga ”
-http://britandgrit.com/wp-content/uploads/2008/02/bnp_lyndamiller_kkk.jpg
http://freemasonry.bcy.ca/anti-masonry/kkk_1925.jpg
-a black panter marche…..I think..?
we want newer junk
we want newer junk
we want newer junk
we want newer junk
we want newer smeel
!
THIS BLOG IS OUT OF ORDER
THIS BLOG IS OUT OF ORDER
THIS BLOG IS OUT OF ORDER
THIS BLOG IS OUT OF ORDER
THIS BLOG IS OUT OF ORDER
( no it isn’t)
“Your friend is the man who knows all about you, and still likes you.”
EMPTY
SPACE
FOR
RENT
ask for Mss.Collena Noblog
loserstreet 00
Dumbtown/California
Charming
Overrated
Lovable
Lesbianhating
Exquise
Naughty
Angel