I will never be German enough.

So today I was pretty much told that I wasn’t German enough for the positions which were available (web dev./design) through this firm (they read my AMERICAN resume and still contacted me??). I said, that sucks, considering us McEnglish speaking Americans OWN the innernets, yeah “.com” came long before “.de” was even “.around” … he was confused because I appeared so professional on the website which is when I straight up told him that my vagina can make coffee… and then I proceeded to curse him out in Spanish and even threw in some Italian (C’moooooooon!) for shits and gigs.

It’s ok because I don’t wanna work anyway, like 20% of the population doesn’t even bother, so why should I. I have a nice pad,  and a darling figure (supple, pouting fake breasts… firm thighs). Besides,I like sitting around watching the dirt accumulate under my toes. I just slap a coat of paint on these bad boys before I leave the house and nobody knows that I have no life! Success!

.. off to go recycle some bottles so that I can afford dinner.

husband: you like this position?
me: which one, there were like 4
husband: engagement manager
husband: you get to engage
husband: with customers
me: as long as i don’t have to touch them

P.S. Apparently Google “forgot” to get back to me after I applied for the the position as Senior VP of the “I’m Feeling Lucky” button last week, so I am just gonna show up on Friday… and pretend that I had an interview scheduled and that they must have “screwed” up their calendar, total douchers.
CHOW



C’mooooooon

Posers.

Daisy and Fritz at our local hang out, Esszimmer.

It is definitely a love (ok, we are the same size, and there is no way you’ll win in a fight) /hate (come any closer though and I’ll scratch your eyes out) relationship. They are quite cute together, and friendly, at a distance.

Daisy of course, is very curious around cats. She has the instinct to do “something” when a cat comes around, yet once the cat is there, in her face, she hasn’t got the slightest idea what she should do next…and the cat always wins. Poor D.

This week started out with a hangover. Pretty typical considering that beer is .50 here and water is 2,50. We actually had a nice weekend. Friday we went and saw a play that a friend helped put on. It was fun, except for that it was in a tiny theater, so there was no intermission, and we had to hold it for nearly 1.5 hours. Saturday we watched Germany knit new buttholes for Argentina. That was one amazing game. As before, we got there 2-3 hours early to get a seat, which meant 2-3 hours of additional beer. So after the match we headed back home for a 2-3 hour nap. Sunday was sort of blah. We had plans to go to a BBQ but we had that “not so fresh feeling” so we hung out at home, had a few recovery beers in the English Garden, and then ended the night at our favorite Indian restaurant.

Sunday Morning’s Bloody Mary did not feel good on Monday. But it was 4th of July, after all… oh say can you see (straight).

Yesterday I began applying to jobs. Like seriously applying, cover letter and all. Yep, it’s that time ladies. My German is still not great, but if I am working behind a computer it wont be necessary to be fluent. A paycheck would be sweet!

Anyway, the count down is on until the couches arrive, our car is still in the shop, and my corns are killin’ me. Gotta go and perhaps I’ll see ya later ;-)

Word.



Shlong overdue.

(I began writing this a little over a week ago and kept on getting interrupted so it may be a little 2008, if you know what I’m sayin’)

The crate, containing our car and household items, arriving

At last. Our things arrived. I was shaking  with excitement as I saw the crate containing our things pull up to the building. I actually hugged one of the movers so hard he practically shot out a poop. The first glimpse of our car sent me into hysterics. I was jumping up and down, screaming. Random people passing by even stopped to watch as they backed it out of the crate and a few people even recorded it on their phones, so bitchin’.

The most spectacular thing to arrive, aside from our car, was our B-E-D. Sleeping in our bed that night, after close to three weeks on an air mattress, was heavenly. I see that Air Mattress left a comment over there. Sorry, guy, it was not fun while it lasted but thanks for the effort. You did all you could.

Anyway, we’ve been up to a LOT, actually, which has left me with zero time to sit and complete this post.

Our waschmaschine arrived and the kitchen is finally coming together. I am actually able to cook now, which is pretty fresh. (yeah, eating out every night gets soooo tired)

The Kitchen Project

+++++

We took our car for a spin on the autobahn for the very first time last week. It was both terrifying and exhilarating to be going 120+ mph and still have cars ZOOMING past us at unthinkable speeds. The only incident that occurred that day was when Husband was pulling the car out of our crazy ass parking spot and scraped up the side of our car. UGH. We filed a claim and, welp, there goes $500.00 (it seems all we do it pay people these days). A very expensive mistake. In fact, the car is at Volvo right now getting modified to be registered and getting that blasted dent repaired. I am dreading the phone call with the estimate. Live and learn can kiss my ass.

Let’s see, what else..

Our bedroom is beginning to look more like a real room rather than just a place where the homeless squat. The drapes arrived last week. They are heavy, velvet and lined so ain’t no 5am sunshine waking me up.

Bedroom.

We still have no actual light fixtures, but for the bedroom I have decided to order this:

As far as the rest of the house is concerned, we are taking it one room at a time. It is a bit overwhelming and eventually it will all come together. We weren’t expecting to wreck our car during a standard 5mph parking maneuver, so that sort of cuts into the light fixture budget. :-| Yep, that one hurt on many levels.

We did order a couch and a chair which are scheduled to arrive in three weeks.

Here is our sofa, which we ordered in black leather:

and the matching chair:

Pretty fresh, huh?

Outside of trying to furnish this place, I began researching insurance policies, other than health:  personal liability, DOG liability, household, disability, broken window insurance. There is pretty much a policy for everything in this country so I met with an insurance broker last week and we decided to go with the ones which we NEED, which are liability (in case we run someone over while riding our bike), dog insurance (in case my dog looks too cute, a cyclist cant help but stare, and crashes), and household goods.

We do have health insurance though, through Husbands work. It is mandatory here, everyone must be insured and there are rules and calculations and add on’s and all sorts of things which I cannot even begin to explain.

I had my first doctors appointment today (actually last Friday now), which was pretty funny. The “new patient” form was completely in German and the translation had me in tears laughing:

1. Had I ever had my “almonds operated on” ? My ALMONDS?!? I assumed they meant tonsils? Either that or testicles, so I marked NO.

2. Have I been vaccinated against “ticks”?

3. Am I Welsh? (Ummm that’s kind of PERSONAL)

4. “Do I have a family history of the craps?” Well, funny they should ask…it’s a real shitty story..

That made my day. It was actually really hard to find a doctor who wasn’t on a lunch break. I have been trying to get into this Praxis for three days but every time I go they are on lunch and I am not kidding, these Doctors take THREE – FIVE hour lunches. Like in the middle of the day! Either way, I got in, had a laugh, got my RX’s, which would have cost me well into the hundreds in the US, filled for 17 euro. Can’t beat that.

…what else, oh, duh, the World Cup! Hello!  How fucking fresh is that?! So much national pride, it’s really cool to be able to experience it. Germany’s victory against England was intense and the party afterward even more so (see flickr and Twitter). The energy is unreal and we are right in the heart of it.

Of course, we were bummed to see USA head home, but they did well despite being robbed of two goals. Tonight we are heading over to a neighbors place to watch the game. Should be fun. Although, it is like 85 degrees and ,as I have complained about before, there is NO a/c in Germany, so I am hoping they suggest going to a cafe.

I am really loving this weather though, despite the lack of air conditioning. It is a REAL LIVE season. With the exception of a few 85 degree thunderstorms, (very Maui like), it’s officially summer here. Hot days, balmy nights. Just a dream. I do realize winter will be harsh, but from what I have heard it rarely gets as cold as Lake Tahoe here, and, in fact, it tends to snow, on average, for only about two weeks total. Besides, it will CHRISTMAS and can you think of a better city to be in during the holiday season than Bavaria?!? I am sure day three of snow will roll around and I will contemplate hurling myself out of the window…but, coming from California, I’ve never experienced real seasons before. So this is all new and exciting to me.

+++

Last weekend, before US lost,  we explored Munich’s infamous outdoor market and picked up all sorts of delicious fruits and veggies. I made salsa and guacamole to bring with us to the English Garden to watch the game. The red pepperoni’s here (which are red Italian peppers, NOT smoked meat) are like 10x spicier than a Serrano chili, which was surprising and the tomatoes actually taste like tomatoes.

Overall, the fresh produce and meat here are much better and tastier than in the US. The chickens here are half the size of the overfed, hormone pumped, chickens in the US (basically, they are the size a chicken SHOULD be) and the meat is so much tastier, less fatty and more tender. Even the eggs are different. They have darker orange yolks and a stronger taste, which I actually do not care for.

Every Thursday we have an open market across the street from our house where they sell cheese, produce and bread. Last week I picked up a ball of fresh Mozzarella for a tomato salad and let me tell you, I have never tasted anything so delicious in my entire life. It melted in my mouth. Nothing like the rubbery cheese we consume in the US. It was soft and just plain YUM.

The one thing that does suck here though is the water. It is hard as hard water gets so I’ve got to add salts and tablets to my washing machine and dishwasher and it leaves a nasty chalky scum along the black counter top. It is difficult to drink so most Germans buy bottled mineral wasser by the case, which is what we now do also, and when you return the bottles, in the machine, you get a pfand return, which can be up to ,50 euro per bottle. I returned a bag of bottles last week and got back 4,00 euro. Whoo hoo!

The pfand thing here is interesting and confusing. Sometimes, depending on the bottle, there will be an additional ,50 cents or so tagged on to the bill, or in the case of imported bottles which cannot be put into the machines, they will slap on an additional 5,00 (!! ) to the bill which you get back if/when you return it to the store which you bought it from. I understand why they do this, but it is really inconvenient if you live nowhere near that store, or if the bottle breaks, or you lose the receipt.  We were actually charged an additional pfand of 5,00 for a bottle of Smirnoff, which we learned by reading the bottle was less than 80 proof ( ir was 75 proof, WTF?). So strange because we never get charged a 5,00 pfand when we buy Absolut. I don’t get it. Anyway, if you come to Munich, don’t buy Smirnoff or anything without PFAND written on the back because they store will probably charge you an assload.

Annnnnywatereddownvodka, we have German class tonight. This will be our third class and it’s a lot of fun. I can count to 100 now, say the alphabet properly, say where I am from, ask where someone else is from, tell the person who watered down my vodka to eat shit and die… and while I am understanding more and more every day, the most amazing part is that people are understanding ME when I speak to them in German :-)

Well, I had better be off. Sorry for the long ramble, hopefully you lived through it.

Tschuss xx



…on Tuesday

OUR STUFF ARRIVES !!!!

And on top of it all we ordered new sofas and purchased an antique mahooooogany table + chairs set over in England which should arrive around the same time as our fricken crate that contains our bed, cooking supplies, towels..oh, and our car (which we now have a parking space for; signed the lease on that sublet today)…

Do you know what this means people?!? DO-YOU-KNOW-WHAT-THIS-MEANS

- no more sleeping on an air mattress
- no more sitting on the floor to eat, use computer, “hang out”
- no more eating out every night because we have nothing to cook with
- no more sleeping on an air mattress
- clothing! Linens! Towels!
- Our Power drill! My Kitchenaid Mixer.. the POWER TRANSFOOOOOORMER!
-….And the car. Yay! Wee!

I could go on and on and on but it’s 91 degrees here right now and not a single place is air conditioned, so I must remain calm in order to not DIE from heat stroke.

Oh yeah, so the rain that lasted for a month stopped and now it’s been non stop humid heat with a few thunderstorms in between. One second we are enjoying a lovely dinner outside in 70 degree heat (at 9pm), and the next we are running for cover and praying we don’t get struck by lightening (ok, well ONE of us is).

This has been THE most challenging two weeks-ish so far.

First, they fucked up our kitchen. They were suppose to leave space for our waschmaschine and done went and put in a dishwasher. I mean, I am not complaining here, but washing machine was in the lease, of course we have to buy it, but having “space” for it was assumed when we signed. There is no space. Therefore, there is no washing machine.

Second, the landlady has been on vacation since the beginning of time. Which means that the kitchen cannot and has not been re-arranged, which means we’ve gone two weeks HAND WASHING our clothes and my husbands skid mark underwear. Not so fresh yo.

Thirdly, the water heater system. When we moved in, it was still cold and rainy and we had no warm water or heat. We were told that the guy was gonna come around to sort it out but not for a day or so, SO, I decided to do it myself. I found the manual, and translated it word for word…and hey, I got the blasted thing working and hot water flowing long enough to wash my butt.

Fourthly, our mailbox jammed. Not such a big deal considering we get very little mail, but still annoying as hell. Somehow I managed to communicate to our hausmeister, who speaks no english, that the “Briefkasten went kaputt” and so now it’s being replaced (I think? I hope?).

Fifthly, I am to tired, hot and delirious to even recall what #5 was all about. Oh wait, I remember..Husband lost his ATM card (and we have no credit card just a US ATM). We went to pay a bill at an ATM and he left it in the machine..that was neat and almost ended in divorce.

Living in this empty place with pretty much nothing has been exhausting. The sun rises promptly in my face at 4:58am and I think the entire building across the way has seen me romping around in my curtainless apartment, naked. We have no shower curtain, (well we do but it’s a sad situation, see below) because the ceiling is on a slant and it had to be special ordered. So it’s been fun doing that.

Up until yesterday we had not a single mirror in the entire apartment. (Yep, I had to dry my hair by heart). And the mirror which did arrive yesterday needs to be hung, which means that we need to drill through the tile and we ain’t got no drill.. so it sits propped up on towels in the bathroom, alongside the wet underwear which is draped over the bathtub air drying. I did mention that I had to wash my husbands DIRTY underwear by hand, right? Right.

My “desk” which also serves as our “table” is the box our vacuum cleaner came in. It’s really great for contributing to ass, back and neck pain.

Ahhh, but despite all of the SHIT, it’s been pretty swell. We live in a fantastic neighborhood, in a gigantic old apartment. We have our dog, the innernets, and a pot which we purchased to piss in just in case the toilet quit working.

Yesterday I took Daisy to get her “pet passport” so now she is free to travel around the EU with us and our “custom made” shower curtain will be here early next week. Slowly, (very fucking slowly), things are starting to come together.

This past Tuesday we started German class. We were reading a paragraph about a student who’s name was Ralf Burger. Naturally, I read that and nearly had to excuse myself from the room because I was laughing so hard. Total hoot.

What else, let’s see…oh yes, I am about to take a shot of vodka, one sec..

ahhh.

In regards to feeling lonely, I’ve been so busy putting out fires and attempting to organize or lives while he is at work, I haven’t had much time to dwell on it. I admit, though, to having a few breakdowns and on one occasion I did yell at someone for not speaking English. What can I say, I am an entitled rude son-of-a-bitch sleepin’ on an air mattress, two week old underwear wearing biatch. Suck it.

So much fucking work. Dood, there are no light fixtures, just bulbs dangling from the ceiling.

I did meet the neighbor I share the floor with. Old guy, sounds like Sean Connery when he speaks English. He asked me where I was from and if I planned to stay long… then he wished me luck. Don’t quite know what to make of that but whatever, my door locks.

The next source of pain will be getting the car registered. God, I think I need another drink. This must be the hardest it’s ever been for me to post anything here.. I am THAT exhausted and seeing taking a double shot of Vodka (the only thing in the fridge).

…and on that note, I leave you with a photo of my luxurious and SPACIOUS shower. Tschuss!

i dont Sprechen Sie DOUCHE.



There is now a mailbox with our names on it, in Munich.

The Keys to our Apartment

Today the lease was signed, the walk through was done and now the “official” handover is complete.

We are tenants!

I am both excited and nervous. Even though living in a hotel sucks ass, everything here is taken care of for us. Now we are on fully our own. Kinda scary.

Our internet is being turned on this coming Tuesday so we will be without our beloved WWW, with the exception of our cell phones, for almost two days (gasp!). Actually, no, I can connect through my cell phone , which is how I am connected now because the internet in this hotel is fucking retarded…

So that is the good news. That bad new is that we got word that our car was not allowed through customs.Big fat UGH. I was told to provide customs with the previous years registration and insurance to show that the car was in use by us for the 6 months prior to the move. WELL, I did provide those things, but I put them in the glove box of the car, assuming customs would check the car and verify that it is actually the car in the paperwork..WELL, apparently 99% of the time, they don’t even open the crate. They just trust what’s in the paperwork handed to them and so now we have a dilemma on our hands. The paperwork is in the car, which is in the crate, which they wont open, ay-yay-yay… Fortunately, I had the registration from 2008-2009 on hand and was able to print the insurance policy online and fax it over but they still may want to see last years reg 2009-2010, which wont be impossible to get but a  headache nonetheless.

So here it is, Friday afternoon, and I am basically waiting for an email from our shipping agent informing me as to whether or not customs will accept the documents I sent over yesterday…

…still waiting.

Oh well, we are one step closer to normalcy. That alone is worth at least one or ten stiff cocktails.

Tschuss xx

CL