This past month has been the worst.

The baby doesn’t sleep and when she is awake, she is miserable.

Getting her down at night consists of us holding and rocking her while she screams at the top of her lungs for up to two hours. (she did not have “colic” this is a recent thing)

When we do manage to get her to sleep, we have to tiptoe around because the slightest creak will wake her up.  If we make it to midnight without waking her just by walking past the door, we are guaranteed to get woken up at least 3 times, or, like last night, every 20 minutes for the remainder of the night. (why bother sleeping at all!)

Naps don’t happen. Unless, of course, I have her in the carrier or in the stroller. But even then the timing has to be right and if she stays asleep for 30 minutes it’s a miracle. In addition to not sleeping, ever, she whines constantly. Like, according to whatever I read on the innernetz, she should be babbling and making sounds like “ma” and “ha”. Welp, not my baby! Mine just whines “eeeeh eeeh”. All day long, non-stop.

Taking her out is never fun. I pretty much force myself to do it, or avoid it completely. Walks never end pleasantly and grocery shopping is a dreadful experience. She doesn’t wake peacefully…

So today, this morning, after zero hours of sleep, I finally said fuck it and took her to the doctor. There must be SOMETHING wrong with her. Anything!? Please?! Find something!? And just to clarify it’s not about me. Sure, It’d be nice to have 3 hours in a row of non-interrupted sleep, but babies NEED sleep. Their brains need it to grow. Sleep lowers their stress levels and makes them happy little people. Also, I am concerned because milestones are no longer being met like they were before (rolling over, sitting, babbling) and I am wondering if it is because she doesn’t get enough rest.

So, at the doctor:

Ears? clear.

Throat? clear.

Heart and lungs? clear.

Eyes? clear.

Belly? clear.

Teeth? nope, not teething either. I was surprised to hear this considering the amount of drool constantly dripping down her chin and because she has become so fond of biting…

She has gained about 1.5 pounds in 3 weeks (she is 15.5 pounds and 69 cm long), so it’s not like she’s hungry. In fact, she is well above the 50th percentile for weight and in the 98th for height. So, physically, she is growing.

The doctor thinks that she is bored. HA HA HA omgfuckingshootme. Seriously? I mean, I’ve got a rotation that consists of about 3o different “unique” activities that we go through each day beginning at 7 am (in no particular order) when we drag our miserable bodies out of bed. I am constantly holding her, talking to her, in her face trying to get her to say something other than “eeeeh”… it’s not working!

Fuck me in the ass without any grease.

Also, regarding those milestones, she’s stopped rolling over. She was doing it pretty consistently but now, nothing. She’d just rather lie there and whine. She isn’t sitting (without complete assistance), or playing with her feet either and when we call her she ignores us.  She is  hating on everything.

As far as the night time routine, I’ve tried an earlier bedtime, a later bedtime,a bath before bedtime, more books, less books, more blankets AND less blankets (at the same god damn  time). And she still cries to the point of vomiting each and every delightful night.

I thought “hmm maybe she has allergies?” so I removed the rug/dust trap and the dresser out of the room. If you remember ( I think I wrote about it, er ?), when we first got the dresser it stunk to high hell heaven of whatever chemicals were in the paint or glue. I aired it out for almost two months before putting it in the room but the smell still lingered a little and you never know. Anyway, neither of these things has helped.There’s nothing left to rearrange.

The only thing she likes is her jumperoo (at least she is capable of liking something!). Problem is, is that I don’t think it’s good for her hips to be in it for more than 30 minutes a day, max. However, I am desperate and this (-) close to letting her sleep in it, if that means we can go three hours without “eeeeeeh”.

how can someone SO cute….