Firstly, thank you S.Pickle for suggesting cam4, but I just can’t get passed the home page without becoming sick, which makes getting to the “download” software page practically impossible. I can only endure so much visual torture …that shit makes my leather-studded crotchless panty with a strap-on and three sewn-on assholes blush .

Secondly, good morning. Or, rather, good afternoon.

Now back to the fucking potatoes… I made them again last night with a scrumptious porterhouse (which means 2x the work out today). For some reason people really like them. So here is how it goes:

Anyway, I make it to taste, my taste, so the measurements are not exact.  Also, I don’t know how many this will serve because I just don’t care.

Ingredients:

4 large russet potatoes (think a day at the races)

1-ish cup of heavy whipping cream

2-ish sticks of unsalted butter

1/4-ish cup of creme fraiche

8-10 crushed (not chopped) cloves of garlic

Kosher salt to my taste

4 shakes, or so, of garlic powder

pepper (either white or black), again, to my taste

chives, chopped

17 shots of vodka

1 friend

Directions:

in a medium-ish saucepan, on LOW heat, (if you burn the cream I will come to your house and beat you with my Harry Potter Vibrating Broomtick), combine the whipping cream, creme fraiche, garlic, garlic powder, butter (get it to room temp), and salt. Let it simmer for a good hour or so. The longer the better. Stir it often and for Christ’s sake, do not let it boil… also, don’t be afraid to pull your finger out of your ass and dip it into the cream to check for saltiness. Nobody is gonna do this for you, so buck up.

Meanwhile, peel the potatoes, quarter them, and plop them into a bowl of cold, lightly salted, water until you are ready to boil them. Don’t leave them sitting out peeled. Bad things happen to potatoes under those circumstances.

Next, fill a large cock stock pot with water and bring to a boil, a real, raging ,manly, boil, (the kind that makes your nipples hard)..and don’t forget to keep it real by adding a little salt. Now add the potatoes and let them boil, uncovered, for 20 -30 minutes. They are done when you can easily stick a fork into the thickest part and remove it just as easily. Don’t be dumb, and do not over boil or you will wind up with glue.

After you have done cooked the potatoes like I said, strain them really well and return them to the pot. I prefer to start off using an old skool potato masher to break them down before I add the cream. (In regards to the cream, you can either keep the garlic chunks, or discard them. They will be pretty soft at this point and should mash right in). Anyway, after pre-mashing the potatoes, using a hand held mixer, on LOW, slowly incorporate cream mixture a little at time, as soon as you’ve got all of the cream in the potatoes, turn up the mixer to a medium setting and whip it around, scraping the sides of your pot/bowl/ass with a spatula. Afterward, using that special finger of yours, check for saltiness and add more if needed. Top the potatoes with chopped chives and then serve them.

tip: If you can’t count, or you are too drunk and set the timer to 20 hours and not minutes, you will wind up with overly cooked, waterlogged potatoes. This is a problem and will result in mashed potato PASTE. Your 1 friend (see ingredients) will NOT be impressed. So to remedy this, here is what to do: completely strain the potatoes, put them in a dry pot, or pan on low heat, mash them (do NOT add ingredients), and let the excess water cook out. This can take a while, it works, but don’t go reaching for the gun if, after five minutes, it’s still a bit watery. Take a deep breath, pull out your butt plug, and have another shot of vodka..and lastly, STFU.