It sucks I cannot recall what it was about because it was a real hit.
OMG, yesterdays dramz…so that lady who shit on our entry way like a month ago did it AGAIN, IN BROAD DAYLIGHT, and this time she was caught by the guy who owns the dog washing shop across the street!
I was lying in bed yesterday morning and I heard him screaming at someone, telling them to “get the eff out, this isn’t a toilet…go to the park we are sick of you..”. Because I just KNEW instinctively what was going on, who he was talking to and because I feel so passionately about not having my doorway used as a toilet… and also because I love the drama (I lived in the Mission for five years so it’s been a while since I’ve had any good action), I jump out of bed, naked (as always), run to the window and add my two cents, “she has done it before, she crapped there before, quick call the police, I have her license plate!”. I am fired up…and it so happens that the next door neighbor is walking by during this whole ordeal, he looks up (me still naked) “She shit on my doorway too! I thought it was raccoon!”…and so then the guy from the liquor store comes out of his store and interjects (we are all yelling to each other from across the street, one of us is not wearing clothes), “yeah, one time she took a crap on a customers car when he was in the store”… (my tits froze after hearing that one).
After that, I got dressed (finally huh?) and took the dog out for a little “investigatory” walk. As I am walking, I see her car – she isn’t that sharp, after being shooed off by the dog shop owner, she drives a block away and parks her car. She knows who I am and that I don’t like her because she knows, that I know, she shit on my doorway…not to mention the countless times I have heard her yelling and screaming at like 2am and have had to kindly tell her “to shut THE FUCK UP”. Anyway, I cross the street and without making any eye contact, I stop in front of her car, aka her house, and take a photo of her license plate with my phone, turn around and walk away. At this point she starts her car and drives away so when the police get there, obviously she is gone. Fortunately, they knew exactly who she was. The guy who owns the dog shop also walked over to talk to them and the police gave me permission to post fliers throughout the neighborhood, with the photos I have of her car and license plate, alerting people and telling them to call the police if they see her loitering in her car.
I am just hoping that the Department of Public Works will get out here and clean it up. So disgusting. My dog has more common sense that this individual.
So that was my day yesterday. Kinda shitty, no pun intended.
Then Saturday night rolled around. I made some grilled salmon, wrote to the tenants in the building, warning them to watch their step as they enter..blah blah blah.
A second dilemma occurred as I tried to go to bed and it was almost as sick as the first. Basically, the smell of the salmon would not quit and it was making me a little nauseated so I went to bed which is when I came across a smell just as pungent: greasy hairy chest, a bald spot and dogs ass. I was like whatevs, “It’s been a long day, I can deal”, so I got into bed lay down on my back…and that’s when it got really intense. My left nostril, which was on the kitchen side, was picking up the thick lingering odor of the salmon, whereas my right nostril was suffering through an entirely different experience: hairy chest, bald spot and a dogs ass . So combined, the equation was something like this: fish + greasy hairy chest + rogain + snoring + dogs ass. I didn’t know what to do. I thought about breaking my nose, or taping my nostrils together so that I couldn’t smell anything and then I had this idea that I could just “Febreeze it” (my solution to everything from foul odors to seasonal depression), so I googled it, just to make sure that nothing would die, and nowhere did it say that you could safely Febreeze a cast iron pan, a dogs ass or an entire human … so basically I sat there, upset and suffered through it and pretty much wore myself out and fell asleep.
Now I have a headache and did I mention that my NY jets hat disappeared.
Ok I am gonna go patrol the streets now and then put away last months laundry. Hopefully I will not have to smell ya later.
xoxo
C
10 Comments
should of kept your day job
hahaha…….I wonder what’s worse…a nutty woman shitting on your doorstep once or twice in a year…or…..a smelly,chesthaired garlic breathing humanoide, also called your hubbie EVERY DAY next to you….!! You….A sensitive , precious, clean and well educated angel…and there you have that monster in your bed……!
Free advice from Frankzzz: Next time you see that woman again, you should invite her to use your bathroom !
…Your hillarious story killed me Collena…..just like in a slapstick movie…..the entire street yelling at eachother….haha……( I would give my left legg to see you naked on your window…oh my…..mmmmm……..)
EXLUSIVE FOOTAGE !!!!
Colleen staring at shitting woman !
-http://farm3.static.flickr.com/2415/2293604457_b59d464062.jpg?v=1210535877
POOP
A man walks into a bar and sits down. The bartender asks the man what he wants. The man says, “Give me a Bud Lite.”
When the bartender brings him the beer, he notices the guy pokes at his hand and starts talking. When he stops talking, the bartender asks, “What are you doing with your hand on your face?”
The guy says, “A while ago I was hit by lightning and from then on my hand became a cell phone.”
The bartender says, “Oh! You’re full of it!”
So the guy says, “If you don’t believe me, then here! Tell me your phone number and I will dial it.
The bartender says, “Dial 654-8967.”
The guy did so and hands the phone to the bartender who talks with his wife and kids.
After a few drinks, the guy goes into the bathroom. Two other guys come in and the bartender asks they if they saw the guy whose hand is a cell phone. The two guys say “Oh, you’re full of it!” The bartender tells them if they don’t believe him, then wait until he comes out of the bathroom and they can see for themselves.
After about 15 minutes the guy still hadn’t come out of the bathroom so the bartender goes to check on him. When the bartender goes into the bathroom he sees the guy standing there pants down and toilet paper rolling out of his butt. The bartender asks, “What the heck are you doing?”
The guy says, “Hold on a second! I’m getting a fax!”
___________________________________________________
THE PICKLE FACTORY
++++++++++++++++++++
Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill indicated that he’d be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.
One day a few weeks later, Bill came home absolutely ashen. His wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong. “What’s wrong, Bill?” she asked. “Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?” “Oh,Bill, you didn’t.” “Yes, I did.” “My God, Bill, what happened?” “I got fired.” “No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer? “Oh…she got fired too.”
______________________________________________________
How many men does it take to change a light bulb? None. Let the bitch do the ironing in the dark.
How many women does it take to change a light bulb? 11, 10 to form a committee and 1 to get her boyfriend to do it.
How many divorced Men does it take to screw in a light bulb? Who knows; they never get the house.
How many divorced Women does it take to screw in a light bulb? 4,1 to screw in the bulb, 3 to form a support group.
What do you do if your dishwasher breaks down? Slap her.
What do you do if your washing machine breaks down? Slap her to.
How long does it take a woman to clean the toilet? Who cares, as long as dinner is on the table by 6.
Why do women have small feet? So they can get closer to the sink.
Pick the odd one out: a woman, a washing machine, a toaster and the garden hose? The toaster, the rest leak when you fuck them.
Why did the woman cross the road? That’s not the point, why wasn’t she chained to the bed?
Why can’t women get their driving licences? Because there’s no road from the kitchen to the laundry.
What do a woman and a condom have in common? They’re both either in your wallet or on your dick.
What do you say to a woman who has two black eyes? Nothing, she has already been told twice.
What is the difference between a “Battery” and a woman? A battery has a positive side.
What does a beer bottle and a guy have in common? There both empty from the neck up.
What’s the best thing about a blow job? Ten minutes silence.
Why do men have a hole in their penis? So they can get air to their brain.
What’s a man’s idea of safe sex? A padded headboard.
How many men does it take to pop a pan of popcorn? 4: 1 to hold the pan and 3 to shake to stove.
What’s the definition of a woman? A woman is a life support system to a virgina.
Confucious say: Woman worth weight in gold probably costs as much. What’s the difference between a blonde and a mosquito? A mosquito quits sucking when you smack it.
What’s the best thing about a blow job from an Ethiopian woman? You know she’ll swallow.
How is a pussy like a grapefruit? The best ones squirt when you eat them.
What’s the difference between white fairy tales and black fairy tales? White fairy tales starts, “Once upon a time…..” Black fairy tales starts, “Yo, you motherfuckers ain’t gonna believe this shit…..”
What is the biggest problem for an atheist? No one to talk to during orgasm.
What’s the smartest thing to come out of a woman’s mouth? Einstein’s cock.
How do you turn a fox into an elephant? Marry it!
Why does the bride always wear white? Because it is good for the dishwasher to match the stove and refrigerator.
Why do hunters make the best lovers? Because they go deep in the bush, shoot more than once and they eat what they shoot.
How can you tell which is the head nurse? The one with the dirty knees.
What is the difference between a battery and a woman? A battery has a positive side.
Did you hear about the new paint called “Blonde” paint? It’s not very bright, but it spreads easy.
What is the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker? A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again!
Do you know why they call it the Wonder Bra? When you take it off you wonder where her tits went.
Why do men pay more than women for car insurance? Because women don’t get blow jobs while they’re driving.
How do you piss off a female archeologist?? Give her a used tampon and ask her what period it comes from
How many men does it take to open a beer? None. It should be opened by the time she brings it to you.
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman? Because a woman who can’t even afford a washing machine will never be able to support you.
How do you know when a woman’s about to say something smart? When she starts her sentence with “A man once told me…”
How do you fix a woman’s watch? You don’t, there’s a clock on the oven!
Women are like guns, keep one around long enough and you’re gonna to want to shoot it. If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first? The dog of course…at least he’ll shut up after you let him in.
All wives are alike, but they have different faces so you can tell them apart. What’s worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig? A woman that won’t do what she’s told.
I married Miss Right. I just didn’t know her first name was Always. I haven’t spoken to my wife for 18 months. I don’t like to interrupt her. What do you call a woman who has lost 95% of her intelligence? Divorced.
Bigamy is having one wife too many. Some say monogamy is the same. Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman’s sex drive by 90%: Wedding cake.
Marriage is a 3 ring circus: Engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.
The last fight was my fault. My wife asked, “What’s on the TV?” I said, “Dust!” In the beginning, God created the heavens and the earth and rested. Then God created man and rested. Then God created woman. Since then, neither God nor man has rested. My wife and I are inseparable. In fact, last week it took four state troopers and a dog. Why do men die before their wives? They want to.
What is the difference between a dog and a fox? 5 drinks!!!
Do you know the punishment for bigamy?? Two mothers-in-law.
The most effective way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
hi frank, reality called; it wants to be just friends.
Best post ever~
Hey Colleen….just to remind you….that you have an obligatian towards your website-visitors….How could we possibly become decent people without your daily postings…? We’re so lost in space and time not having your state of the art comments around here….Where are thou , brother..?
-http://www.turnbacktogod.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/01/angel-at-work.jpg <—– JoArse …..it's your duty as an Angel !
nice