First off, please run to your nearest liqour cabinet and pour yourself a shot of whatever you’ve got left in honor of HairGLOOM cause today’s his birthday. Gross.
So, tonight, in celebration of Hairy’s big disgusting entrance into this world, I will be whipping up a lovely feast starting with an appetizer of musckles and leeks sauteed in white wine sauce containing butter and other natural ingredients… followed by the main course: steak au poivre with frites ala fuck me hard and sauteed asparagus. And lastly, for dessert, we will be having puff pastry topped with fresh berries, whipped lemon curd, and shaved dark chocolate + a pthth of mint.
You may all STFU.
Now, on to the business of New Friends. I’ve made up my mind about how I am going to go about making new friends when I move. I am not trying to come off as some arrogant jerk, BUT, because I am so sick of assholes, I have come up with some criteria that must be met for a new acquaintance to be considered for this position in my life.
1. I don’t wanna be Facebook friends. If you prefer to be home on Facebook than in a bar with me, in Germany, getting tanked and making fun of my husband, then why even submit your resume. Go home already. Let me get on with my new life.
2. I am giving precedence. For instance, Germans, French, Belgian, Swiss, Irish, Spanish, and Italians will get priority, over say, the English, and this is mainly because the English complain so damn much and they cannot cook or appreciate good food. I hate whiners and, more than that, I hate party poopers. Now, I am not saying I wont become friends with someone from England, heck I have plenty of friends there already, but the question begs to be asked: do I really need any more?
Also, I am 100% over Americans so if you are from the US and see me coming down the street carrying a beer and wearing a mini-skirt in the dead of winter because “hellooo, I’m hawwt!”, don’t even bother. You will be talking to the (frost bitten) hand. Sure,sure, I will make exceptions, but don’t bet your Friday night on it.
3. If you are male, and refer to my tits in conversation, forget it, you are probably Greek and my husband has forbidden me to become friends with Greek men. (ah ah aaaah).
4. If you spot me behaving unintentionally/unknowingly inappropriate, and you do not pull me aside and say “hey, look lady, here in Germany we don’t…” then you are not someone I can respect and this interview is over. I will do my best to acculturate, however, I come from one of the rudest most full of shit self absorbed countries full of douche bag idiots on the planet, I’m gonna make mistakes, now go fuck your mother.
5. Don’t pretend that you are Italian so that I will like you, ask me if I’d like a job, and then put me to work in your sweatshop. They will hear me cry.
6. I am not a Turkish prostitute. If you had to ask, we cannot be friends.
Holla!
Happy Birthday Hairy! I Love You!
12 Comments
First off I want you to be my Turkish prostitute….and don’t try to fight me on this….2nd….as my prostitute you will be the one wearing a fucking mini skirt & yelling out look @ me I’m HAWT….and you better come back w/ some fucking $$
You will need friends —- friends like me…..friends that protect you….but for favors
Does Daisy have Friend criteria?? I just want to play dress up
Gobble-Gobble!
..one of your better post’s here….haha..hillarious…..;-)I assure you Colleen….nobody will pay attention to you in Germany….because the streets over there are packed with long, tall,blonde big boobie-girl’s…so don’t say a f…ing word in English, and you’d be safe !
mmmm…yes Hairgloom…..that’s pretty kinky…Colleen as a Turkish prostitute…..bring me the Raki-bottle ! ( raki = damn….just google it )
Let’s sing now !!
Happy ( kosher) birthday to you x2
Happy ( kosher) birthday Isaac Hairgloom
Happy ( kosher) birtday to you ! Mazzeltov !
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CRAJshdb1GU&feature=related
THE WHOLE WORLD CELEBRATE YOUR GEBURTSTAG !
Mazzeltov und gesundheit !
this one’s for you Colleen !
-http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wQcwP1BeUaU&feature=related
don’t worry hubbie…all Greek men are gay……;-)
That’s awesome! No fun-haters. Totally agree. You shoud set yourself up a booth in a bar and take resumes just to see what happens. And make Agent Dragonfly be YOUR Turkish prostitute. Laws of nature you know.
Germans scare me. You’d understand if you met my ex-mother in law. If u make friends with people like her and her other 20 constant companions that were German (and 1 French) you will be BEGGING to come back to the U.S. and/or trying to kill yourself. But I’m sure there must be better Germans actually in Germany. They probably just sent some really shitty ones over here to torture me. Loves me some Zigeuner schnitzel though! ROCK ON (oh, and Dragonfly has an EGG-LAYING-MALE-BIRD HA HA HA)
http://lh3.ggpht.com/_m0YtPN5vgmI/SoS3aRpFGZI/AAAAAAAAQ_A/8Cn8k85TVrE/s720/carlsson%20pa%20taket.jpg
happy belated BD to HairGLOOM. Our BDs arent far apart.
Aquarians are eccentric and not easy to live with some days. I should know I’m on the cusp and that’s much worse. I’m really fuct up.
Colleen you will live to learn that douchebags live in every part of the world. Insulting those who love you is not good diplomacy. Good luck on your future ventures with Aleksey.
I suggest writing a letter to your local congressman on that issue.
P.S. gofuckyourself.com to you too.
Thanks.