Me again, and I’m back with a brand new old craptastic recipe that I know you are going to love (riiiight).

I recommend making this one for a lover who’s about to bail, or for your boss, if they happen to be separate people. Its’ really good and it can cause people who can no longer stand the sight of you to like and/or love you once again. You’ve got nothing to lose if you follow these easy steps…Easy tiger!

Ingredients:

1 whole chicken rinsed and dried (toss out the giblets, except for the neck which should be promptly, and with great fervor, shoved up your ass …oh c’mon, just once, for me?)

2 lemons, halved

3 sprigs of rosemary (one sprig cut into quarters)

1 head of garlic plus 1, or 2 cloves

1/4 cup butter, melted

kosher salt

black pepper

Directions:

Preheat the oven to 450 (for the love of god, just fucking do it)

Rinse and dry the chicken. Liberally rub the inside and outside of the dick chicken with salt and pepper.

Squeeze the juice of 1 lemon (2 halves, duh) into the chicken and then shove those same to halves into the cavity of Foster Farms finest. Next, get your head off (wha?!)… no don’t do that, please. What I meant to say was: NEXT, cut the top off of the entire head of garlic, almost in half, and place the larger half  into the cavity of the chicken along with the lemon. Grab 2 sprigs of rosemary and put those in there as well.. then seal er’ up with cooking twine.

For the outside of the chicken, take one clove of garlic, or more if you like that sort of thing, and cut it into thin slices lengthwise. Gently lift up the skin of the chicken breast from the meat with your special finger and slide in 2 or 3 slices of garlic underneath the skin on both sides/breasts, followed by a piece of rosemary, on both sides, as well.

Brush the outside of the chicken with butter, squeeze the remaining halves of lemon over it, and then insert your thermometer. I use a digital thermometer, but you can also use your husbands dick if he is acting up..whatever works. Either way, do that and then place it on a rack in a roasting pan, or directly in the pan if you don’t own a rack, as always, I just don’t care.

Once the bird is in the oven, roast it for about 10 minutes at 450 degrees and then drop the temp to 325.  Baste it with either the drippings or the remaining butter every 30 minutes or so. Take the chicken out when it reaches 165 degrees fahrenheit. Forget what yo’ mama told you about taking that shit out at like 180…it’s crap and it is the reason her chicken tasted like dry ass. Ok, SO, after it’s out of the oven, immediately move it to a carving board, cover it with foil and let it rest for about 10 minutes or so. It will raise another 10 degrees. Ideally you want it to be around 175, which it will be if you would quit acting like a son-of-a-bitch and do as you’re told.

After 10 minutes carve it and then eat it. You can make really good use of your time by making a gravy while the chicken is resting you know? Just a suggestion…

Anycock, I hope this recipe gets you all kinds of laid and raises and rim jobs. However, if you undercook it, and wind up with a mad case of the runs, I take no responsibility for your inabiliy to follow directions and/or how to insert a meat thermometer…ya shoulda fuckin’ googled it.

1/xo