My “week” does not coincide with a typical “week” for most people, so if it’s Tuesday and I say that I’ve had a long week, don’t start thinking that I am some kind of asshole (although, that may very well be true)…however, it’s Thursday, so nevermind.
I have some things that I’ve been promising to do and slacking off on. One is that darn video, another is getting the shop done which means shooting that stinkin’ calendar. Blah, I have a headache and so I took my shop button down. Every time I saw it, it just pissed me off and I’m all maxed out.
Yesterday was “neat”. I worked out and 45 minutes into it, I nearly fell over, unable to breathe, due to, which I believe, was an asthma attack. I used to have this happen when I was a kid but never as an adult. Working out was the one thing that brought me piece of mind and relieved my anxiety, now I can add it to the list of things that terrify me. Cheers!
Gorgeous day out, too bad I’ve got a migraine … GAWD, talk about a real downer I am today. Somebody shoot me and shut me up.
Let’s scramble around for some good, OH, or perhaps a FUNNY!
The good:
My tan hasn’t faded yet ++
The sun came out +++
The kitchen is only partially messy ++
My husband went out last night so I got to have some TIME ALONE and watch a movie BY MYSELF on the couch ALONE without being BOTHERED +++++++ (infinite pluses)
…and a little funny
Last night I was busy working away on stuff, scanning in stuff while my scanner still works… I had a little operation set up on the couch, and on the ottoman, in which I was basically unable to get out without having to step, or trip, over cords and chargers and cocktails.. so anyway, here is how it goes:
Husband: “hey can you give me that 50$ you owe me”
Me – Busy: “it’s in my purse, get it yourself”
Husband:” Your purse is next to you, can you get it”
Me: “Ugh fine…” – so I remember that I had a couple of loose 20′s and a 10 spot floating around in the bottom of the bag somewhere… but all I could find were a 10 and a 20, I crumple each one into a ball and toss it to him across the room - “Shit, I am missing a 20…”
Husband: “ARE YOU SERIOUS!!! OMG… that’s not fair, blah blah blah…” as he grabs for the crumpled up bills. meanwhile, I am about to punch him.
Me: “Sorry man, don’t know what happened to it, musta fallen out of my bag… I will give it to you later” – going back to work..
Husband jerk-off: ” …. blah blah blah you promised me, you are going back on your promise! You cannot do that, that is so unfair!”
Me-rolling eyes:” are you fucking joking?” – I look down at the pile of SHIT I had just emptied from my bag and see the missing 20 poking out of a piece of paper, stuck on with a wad of gum. “here is your effing 20″ and I crumple it, as I did the others and threw it at him. However, this time, I made an error and it barely went anywhere.
Husband:” can you please pick it up and give it to me? I cannot reach it and I refuse to get up an get it.”
Me -snickering: “Nope. You get up and get it. I am busy”
Husband (whining, complaining, being a big standard bitch): “blah blah blah”
Me: I am over it. So I get up, go to the bathroom, get the blow dryer… walk back to the couch, plug it in, turn it on full-blast, point it to the 20 on the floor and blow the money closer to him so that he can pick it up. Of course, I was chuckling like an asshole under my breath. He is livid …and pretty much belligerent at this point (drunk), and even after he gets the money he continues the nonsense, going off about how “DEGRADING it was that he even had to ask for it”… ok, at this point I am trying to keep a straight face …and because I would rather just not fight back, I just sat back, let him rant and I voice recorded it on my BlackBerry, it is hysterical. I have already lissened it twice. I promised him I would not post it here… but ya never know when PMS might strike.
The end.
19 Comments
you still suck
well….you know what they say about Jews and money…
-A man walked to the top of a hill to talk to G-d.
The man asked, “G-d, what’s a million years to you?”
And G-d said “A minute.”
Then the man asked:
“Well, what’s a million dollars to you?”
and G-d said: “A penny”
Then the man asked:
“G-d…..can I have a penny?”
And G-d said:
“Sure…..In a minute.”
Chanukah Gelt
It was two days before Chanukah and Mr. Feldman, quite downcast, was trudging home. “Where will I get money to buy presents for the holiday?” he asked himself sadly, thinking of his wife and children. On the way, he passed a church, in front of which was a sign:
One Hundred Dollars Cash To Anyone Who Joins This Church Today!
Here was the solution to Feldman’s problem! He went in, joined, and was given the hundred dollars as the sign promised. That evening, at supper, he told his family how he had come by his sudden wealth. “And here’s the hundred,” he announced grandly, waving the money before them.
“Darling,” said his wife, “you remember that coat you promised me three years ago? Well it’s on sale at Macy’s.”
“How much is it?”
“Only fifty dollars, and it’s worth at least eighty five.”
Feldman peeled off five tens and gave them to her.
The son spoke up. “Pop, for a long time I’ve been saving up to buy one of those English bikes with ten gear shifts. I already have most of the money, but I need a little more.”
“How much more?”
“Twenty five dollars.”
Feldman handed over the money.
“Daddy,” said his teen age daughter, “next week our school is having the most important dance of the whole year. If I don’t have a new dress, I’ll simply die.”
“Don’t die Sweetheart. How much is the dress?”
“Only twenty five dollars, Daddy dear.”
Feldman handed over the remaining twenty five dollars, leaned back and grinned. “It never fails,” he announced. “The minute we Gentiles have a little money, you Jews take it away from us!”
A little Jewish boy was telling his mother about how he had won a part in a play that was being done at school. His mother asked, “What is the part you will play, Saul?” Saul responded, “I shall play the Jewish husband,” to which the mother replied, “Well, you go right back to that teacher and tell her that you want a SPEAKING part!”
haha..a good one !
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHA
A man walks into shul with a dog. The shammas comes up to him and says, “Pardon me, this is a House of Worship, you can’t bring your dog in here.” “What do you mean,” says the man, “this is a Jewish dog. Look.” And the shammas looks carefully and sees that in the same way that a St. Bernard carries a brandy barrel round its neck this dog has a tallis bag round its neck.
“Rover,” says the man, “daven!”.
“Woof!” says the dog, stands on his hind legs, opens the tallis bag, takes out a kipa and puts it on his head.
“Woof!” says the dog, stands on his hind legs, opens the tallis bag, takes out a tallis and puts it round his neck.
“Woof!” says the dog, stands on his hind legs, opens the tallis bag, takes out a siddur and starts to daven.
“That’s fantastic,” says the shammas, “absolutely amazing, incredible! You should take him to Hollywood, get him on television, get him in the movies, he could make a million dollars!!”
“You speak to him,” says the man, “he wants to be a dentist.”
Jewish Joke
A man started to tell a joke at a party: “Two old jews were on their way…”
Suddenly he was interrupted by a sensitive guest.
“Why do so many jokes begin with Jews?”
“Oh, I’m sorry,” apologized the story teller, “I’ll start again.
Two old Chinese men were on their way to the Synagogue to see the Rabbi…”
haha, this one’s specially for you…
-Diamonds Are Forever:
Sally is flying out to meet her boyfriend. She falls asleep on the plane and dreams about this gorgeous diamond ring he’ll give her. When she opens her eyes, she spots an even bigger diamond on the finger of Mrs. Goldstein, a matron sitting next to her. This is the mother of all diamonds, it is enormous, flawless, glittering…
‘My, that’s some diamond you’ve got there’, Sally says. ‘I’ve never seen anything like it.’
Mrs. Goldstein sighs. ‘I know, my child. This is no ordinary diamond. It’s the famous Goldstein diamond. But it comes with a terrible curse.’
‘It does?’ Sally moves to the edge of the seat. ‘So what’s the curse?’
Mrs. Goldstein sighs again. ‘Mister Goldstein.’
HAHAHAHAH OMG THAT IS THEEEEE BEST EVER HAHAHAHAH
Sam Shwatrz was driving down the road, gets pulled over by a Policeman. Walking up to Sam’s car, the Policeman says, “Your wife fell out the car 5 miles back.” Sam replies, “Thank god for that” I’d thought I’d gone deaf!”
At The Bar
A Jewish man walks into a bar and sits down. He has a few drinks, then he sees a Chinese man and punches him in the face. “Ouch!” the Chinese man says. “What was that for?” “That was for Pearl Harbor,” the Jewish man says. “But I’m Chinese!” “Chinese, Japanese, what’s the difference?” And the Jewish man sits back down. Then, the Chinese man walks up to the Jewish man and punches him in the face. “Ouch!” the Jewish man says.
“What was that for?” “That was for the Titanic,” the chinese man says.
“But that was an iceberg!” “Ice berg, Goldberg, what’s the difference?”
You are killing me Frankzzz I love you!
Q. What does the Jewish Santa Claus say?
A. Ho! Ho! Ho! Anybody wanna buy some toys?
-After Christmas vacation, an elementary school teacher was asking her students how they celebrated Christmas. When she got to Sammy, whose father ran a local toy store, she said, “Sammy, since you’re jewish, I guess your family didn’t celebrate Christmas/”
Sammy replied; “Oh yes, we did. We all held hands and danced around the cash register singing “What a friend we have in Jesus.”
-An Italian, an Irish and a Jewish guy are sitting around the bar boasting abour their ability to bring their respective wives to orgasm.
The Italian boasts and says, “When I finish making love to my wife she has such a strong orgasm that she screams for 15 minutes after I finish”
The irish guy boasts and says: “you think that’s a big deal?. When I finish making love to MY wife she screams for 30 minutes after I finish.
The Jewish guy looks at the others and says: you think you guys are so macho?. let me tell you about my wife. The last time I finished making love to her, I got out of bed, wiped my dock off with the bedroom curtain. My wife is still screaming!!!
this one’s for your hubbie….
-Jewish foreplay: Two hours of begging ….haha
I love Jewish jokes !
Ich liebe dich auch mein schatz !! mazzeltov !
ne for the road :
-Where does the Jewish husband hide his money from his wife? Under the vacuum cleaner.
http://www.bangitout.com/uploads/28jews_jaws.jpg
-HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA…..!!
HOHOHOHOHJHAHJEHAHERHAHAHHA AHAHA HA HAAHAH