Less of a warning, more of a recommendation.

Anyfarthole, while my Maui vacation might technically be over, there is still a lot to do in regards to summer and beer and whatnot.

Maui was superb. The weather was a consistent 85-ish degrees, with a cool soft breeze. I swam in the ocean literally every day and ate a shitload of ahi tuna and sashimi. I got myself a nice little tan and an even more nicer sunburn, now in its peeling stage.

A few nights we fell asleep outside on a hammock, on the beach. So cool.

I fell in love with the Polynesians and even created a term for them: PILF (Polynesians I’d Like to Fuck). Went to a Luau, mass PILFage everywhere. Totally gave me a lady boner.

The husband was nice enough. Although he “made me go to my room” after I took my top off in the cabana. I didn’t understand his prudishness… it was 10pm, private cabana, curtains were drawn, I was “hot”… whatev.

During the day, in our Cabana, I kept it semi-real and created “pasties of the land”. It’s real easy to do. Just pluck off a few leaves and let them mold to the nipple region area of your boobs, they stick like pasties after 20 mins of sweat and jews don’t get mad and take away your pineapple. It’s a win win situation.

I caught a cold. Odd, huh? I think that blisterin 90% of my body shattered my immune system and so I spent a few days sneezing and coughing. Nothing a few shots of tequila couldn’t fix, however.

We made some new friends. In particular, Carlos, the shuttle bus driver who drove peeps to downtown Lahaina and the resort. We hooked up with him at a bar called the Rusty Harpoon, which I called “the Rusty Trombone”, naturally and did a few thousand shots with him. It was great fun.

We also made two friends called Bill. One was a middle-aged “bro” (shorts sandals, cheesy top, said “dude” a lot) and the other Bill worked for Disney. Disney Bill was really cool. Apparently they are trying to open a Disney resort in Hawaii and he told me I could have the job as Ariel, the mermaid, when it opened. I really can’t wait.

…and for the funny:

One day Jewbacca and I are out in the ocean, floating, on our rafts. It was pretty windy that day and the currents were quite strong so I decided to keep close to the beach, Jewbacca, on the other hand wasn’t that clued in and paid no attention to the current pulling him out into the ocean.

Anyway, I am slowly paddling against the current, to stay at one point, I look back to see where J had gone…and I couldnt see him…so I look around and way out near the bouey I see a blue raft, with a big retard on it, all relaxed and completely unaware. I am dying laughing at this point, dying… what a loser.

So I decide to swim up to the beach and watch to see if he comes to his senses or ends up being boated in. I pull up a drink, and although I was seriously sunburned, I lathered on some more SPF and watched with delight as the J finally realizes he is practically at the next island and starts to freak out. I don’t know how to describe this so that you get the full effect, but basically this is what I saw: A big tard, no longer in recline position on the raft, rather, straddling the raft, frantically kicking and flailing about trying to swim back ( this is when I start laughing out loud) to the beach. All I see is white, from the water being kicked up, and a jackass not going anywhere, swimming against a tide….. I figured I would give him 20 more mins and then go in and drag him in myself ( I am a decent swimmer)… anyway, I lost track of time and eventually he reaches the shore, somewhere to the left of where I was. A few minutes after that I see this staggering hero, sandy and obviously defeated coming toward me. I look at him, make a big “L” sign with my hand and laugh, that is when he puts on a fake ass smile and says “wow that was great” ! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH as though I would actually think he did it on purpose and that he was out there “enjoying himself”… I had to interject, which is when I told him to stop, ” HAHAHAH” is what I said, “GREAT?!!? I watched for 30 minutes as you flailed and kicked to move about 4 inches, you aren’t gonna downplay this one guy!” …

I was fucking dying, OMG. If I had my camera, I would have filmed it and put it on youtube. I think the best part, for sure, was when he tried to play it off like he “was doing it on purpose”. Well, apparently he was really close to the surfers and after a few drinks the truth came out and he admitted that he was in the wrong territory.

Ok, so that is story #1. Story #2 involves the same retard and a different raft.

So J and I are, once again, out on the ocean, floating on our rafts… I, once again, am in complete control, he , once again…missing the memo. Anyway, he has this idea that he is going to bother me. How? By letting go of his raft, swimming to me and tickling my feet. Well, what genius doesn’t take into consideration is current and/or any kind of wind.

So I am minding my own business, day dreaming about PILF and along comes J, doggie paddling (if you can even call it that) up to my raft to disturb me when all of a sudden a big gust of wind blows his raft off. I am like “um guy, there goes your raft” … as he tries to swim toward it, WHOOOF, another gust of wind and then another and yet another and not before long the raft was no longer visible. Once again, I am dying laughing…and so was the 6 year old kid I was hanging out with. We are both hollaring laughing and then along comes a guy paddling on a surfboard, also laughing after witnessing the incident. He asks me, ” is that your friends raft?”… me, barely able to speak “HAHAHAHAH yeah that is my husbands” and point , “over there” hahah.  So the kids I was hanging out with’s dad was a good swimmer and tried like heck to get out there fast enough but gave up, it was not gonna happen.

J swims back to the beach, head down, and I take my time… paddling along and go back to the cabana. Apparently one of the boats saw a raft haah missing a person and called the coast guard HAHAHAH. I get up to go to the bathroom and while I am gone, the coast guard approaches my husband with the raft and asks if it’s his because they got a call and everyone pointed to him .. I am basically pissing myself laughing.  I mean it was unreal.

Story #3 is pretty much the same as 1 and 2 combined, except this one involved a boogie board acquired by the husband on the night he sent me to my room for indecent exposure.  He googled how to use a boogie board for like 3 hours …. unfortunatly for him it was a CHILD SIZED BOOGIE BOARD. I will let you finish the story.

Other than his mishaps, the trip was fun. We went out every night and met some interesting people. The flight back was a bit bumpy but great, the lady at the counter of United “thought I was cute” and upgraded our seats and the flight attendant got me free drinks all night which made me happy.

Must go find my beer…. and laugh some more. I will post some photos later, check out my Twitter for funnies.

xoxo

CL